Chapter 3 Value analysis to become his special woman
Get his own strategy book! What is values analysis?
In this chapter, I will explain in detail the value analysis that will help you get closer to “the position he wants you to be.” Each person has a different sense of what they value and what they think is right. What may be obvious to you may be different to him, so it is important to analyze his values.
If you are able to behave in a way that aligns with his values through value analysis, he will feel that you get along well with him, and he will want to move closer to where you want him to be. On the other hand, if you are unable to analyze his values, your efforts will have the opposite effect, as in the following example.
Example: He is enthusiastic about his work. What she wanted from her boyfriend was “to accommodate her busy schedule.” However, she believed that “I should refuse last-minute invitations,” and almost always refused his invitations. Then, he rejected me and said, “I want you to understand my work and support me. Our values don’t match.”
Knowing his values correctly is the same as getting a strategy book just for him. Let’s try to understand his values by creating a strategy guide just for him.
Boyfriends and husbands don’t exist. see him for himself
It is important to see him for who he is, rather than seeing him in his role as a boyfriend or husband. Why shouldn’t it be seen in roles? In fact, I started looking at him based on his role, thinking, “Since he’s my boyfriend, it’s natural for me to do ○○.” Instead of seeing him for who he really is, he was forcing himself on him as a “boyfriend” role. As a result, I exhausted him and our relationship as a lover gradually deteriorated.
Unconsciously, we tend to view people based on their roles. It’s easy to approach someone thinking things like, “It’s natural for them to do this for you because they’re your parents,” or “it’s natural for them to do this for you because they’re your friend.” Viewing people based on their roles is the same as disrespecting the other person’s values. This can lead to hurting the other person and worsening the relationship. It is important to interact with him with a strong awareness of seeing him for who he is, not just his role.
Rule 3: Be close to his values
What can you do to make him think, “You’re the most comfortable woman!” or “This is the first time I’ve met a woman you get along with like this!” It may seem difficult, but the rules are simple. It’s about empathizing with his values and continuing to act in a way that is in line with his values.
In order for him to think of you as a woman with the best values, it is important that you empathize with his values, continue to stand by him, and do not say or act in a way that negates his values. Why is it important to empathize with his values and continue to act in a way that is in line with his values?
On a daily basis, we are exposed to a lot of information unconsciously. The more you align with his values, which he feels are “good” and “nice,” the more he will think of you as someone who is on his side and understands you, and the more comfortable you will feel. You’ll start to think that being with you is more fun and enjoyable than being with any other woman.
So how should we proceed? I’ll give you a specific example.
Example: If his values are “Live shows are the purpose of life, and even if I’m busy, I just want to go to live shows.”
What you should do: Of course, respect his values, but as much as possible, agree with him by saying, “I’ve come to love live shows because of his influence.” If you’re a fan of live shows, act like “going to live shows is even more fun when you’re with him,” and increase the number of things you have in common by going to live shows with him, going to live shows by yourself, and keeping an eye out for live shows that he might be interested in. From his point of view, behave in a way that makes you think, “This girl and I really have the same values.”
Bad behavior you should avoid: For example, blaming him or denying him when he makes a lifestyle or choice that revolves around live concerts, such as, “Is it okay to make money if you go to so many concerts?” “It’s more fun to play with ○○ and △△ instead of just going to live shows,” and “I’d rather meet just the two of us than live shows.”
Example: If his most important value is “I really hate being tied down.”
What you should do: “I understand. It’s really hard to be tied down, isn’t it?” Empathize with his feelings and agree with him. If possible, include a short anecdote so that it doesn’t seem like you’re just superficially matching. For example, you might say something like, “I know because my ex-boyfriend scolded me and told me not to go to company drinking parties, and it was painful for me too.”
Bad behavior you should avoid: restraining him or denying his values. “Why did you meet with a woman alone?” “Please contact me every day” “Call me after the drinking party” “It’s proof that not wanting to be tied down can be a bad thing.” Even if it’s not about the boyfriend himself, it’s also considered bad behavior to watch the news and say something like, “This celebrity has a girlfriend, but he goes out with a woman, so I feel sorry for his girlfriend,” or about an acquaintance, “He has a girlfriend, but why would he drink alone with a woman?”
In addition, you need to be especially careful if you are emphasizing values such as “cheating is absolutely unacceptable” due to pain and suffering from past relationships. When she senses that you are a woman who is likely to do something like that, she immediately becomes wary. Points that are susceptible to pain and suffering may feel “cold” even with the slightest stimulation. There are times when someone suddenly becomes no longer a romantic partner, saying, “I can’t marry you” or “I don’t want to see you anymore.” Even if you have cheated on him in the past, it is important not to reveal it and to act in a way that does not make him think that you are cheating on him at all.
How to proceed with values analysis
Now, let’s actually proceed with the analysis of his values. If you’re thinking, “Analysis seems kind of difficult…” don’t worry. By going one step at a time, starting with the easiest things to tackle, you will definitely be able to see the values that he values. Let’s work together to understand his values so that the man you love wants to be closer to you.
Points to note when proceeding with value analysis
Until you understand his values, adapt to the world’s way of thinking.For example, if there are things that the world thinks are good, such as “keep your promises,” “be polite,” and “don’t be late,” try to stick to them.
Refrain from asserting yourself until you understand his values. While it is important to improve your appearance in a relationship, until you understand his values, refrain from spending too much money or wearing unusual clothes. As for his hobbies, until I don’t know if he’s an outdoor or indoor person, I approach him with the attitude that he enjoys both. From what you understand, gradually adjust to his values.
It is also best to refrain from making negative comments. For example, if you say something like, “Adults who are addicted to children’s anime are disgusting,” even if he likes that anime, he won’t be able to say it, and you’ll think, “I don’t get along with this girl…” and you’ll be pushed away.
His values change over time and depending on the situation.For example, he may say, “I don’t care if my friend is drunk and making noise, but I absolutely hate it if my lover has a bad drinking habit.”His values also change depending on where he wants to be. Also, during the lovey-dovey period before you start dating or immediately after becoming a lover, it is difficult to see his true values. After you have been in a relationship for more than half a year, consider that he is your true boyfriend and continue to analyze him.
①Things that I absolutely cannot forgive/things that I would hate to see happen
If you do something that he feels he can never forgive or that he doesn’t want to do, you’ll quickly move further away from where he wants you to be. It’s difficult to recover once you’re no longer a romantic interest, so start by analyzing the values that he thinks he “will never forgive” and “doesn’t want to be treated like this.”
Things you didn’t like when you were in a relationship What’s something you didn’t like when you were in a relationship? What is it that you feel you can never forgive?
What do you dislike when someone does something to you outside of love? What do you dislike about work? What was something a friend did to you that made you sad or didn’t like it?
Once you’ve asked questions like these to find out what behaviors he dislikes, dislikes, or can’t tolerate, move on to the next step.
② Views on love and marriage
What does he value in a relationship? Things that made me happy so far About dating and marriage Past love history
If he tells you something like this, try to be a good listener and try to liven up the conversation. If there is a time when you can weave in a story like this in your daily casual conversations, it’s okay to ask from you. However, there are some questions that you should not ask. That’s a straightforward question: “What kind of women do you like?” This question is not recommended for three reasons:
Reason 1: If you have a crush on him, you need to be especially careful. If he becomes convinced that you want to be closer to him than he wants you to be, he may push you away.
Reason 2: I’m not saying for certain that he’ll lie, but there’s a good chance he’ll give you a bland answer. I think it’s easier to understand if you imagine it from the opposite perspective. For example, let’s say you think “I want a high income” or “I want a good-looking guy.” However, if you are asked at a meeting place, “What kind of men do you like?”, you won’t answer, “I’d like a good-looking guy with a high income.” You probably answer something like, “I like kind and sincere people,” to avoid giving a bad impression. The same goes for him. When it comes to things that we are afraid to say openly, we often hide our true feelings. For example, “She has a really cute face,” “She has to have big breasts,” and “Physical compatibility is important.” All of these things, if I’m being honest, are likely to be criticized as “terrible” and “cyte.” Unless he is very sensitive, he will not reveal his values, no matter how important they are to him.
Reason 3: He really wants a girlfriend who is kind, doesn’t get angry, and is comfortable. However, in reality, he always ends up dating women who are very cute in appearance, but who have wild emotional ups and downs and push him around. In this way, he himself is not aware of the gap between his own values and his actual actions, so even if you directly ask him about the type of woman he is, he will not be able to answer his true values.
③What I like and what I think is good
If it’s not okay to ask him directly, “What kind of women does he like?”, how can I analyze more deeply his views on love and marriage? In fact, the hints to get closer to his “special woman” are hidden among his best friends and close friends. In everyday conversation, ask him about his friends and best friends.
For example, ask questions such as, “What kind of person is ○○-kun’s best friend?” “How does ○○-kun spend most of his time with his friends?” “Can you tell us any memorable stories you have with your best friend?” It’s better to have him talk anecdotally, so you can get a sense of what he values about his best friend. Let’s analyze his values by paying attention to “his view of his best friend” and “good things about his best friend.”
Example 1: “When I’m with him, I don’t have to worry about him.” ← I feel the value of being comfortable and not having to worry about myself.
Example 2: “My best friend is a hard worker. He has been working hard on qualification exams since he was a student, and he obtained several qualifications before graduating. Even now, he is the most successful among my classmates. When I talk to him, I feel like I have to work hard too.” ← I respect and value him for being a hard worker.
Example 3: “He’s really funny, and it’s really fun to be with him. We’re always doing silly things and laughing a lot.” ← I find value in funny and fun times.
A person’s values are revealed even in the words they say casually. These values that he likes and feels comfortable with in his best friend are also connected to the values he wants in his lover. Some of you may be wondering, “But isn’t the way you look at your best friend of the same sex different from the way you look at women?” Think about your best friend. What do you like about your best friend? “You’re always kind to me when I’m having a hard time,” “There’s a lot of things I respect about you,” “I can trust you because you’re honest and never lie.” He’s your best friend, so there are many things you like about him.
If a man with all of these things appeared in front of me… You may feel like, “If such a person existed, I would want to marry him.” Values for homosexual best friends do not include things like “sexual attraction,” but other points such as “I like the good things about my best friend” often match the values we seek in a romantic relationship.
If your best friend is cheating or addicted to gambling, don’t just take his comments like “we get along well” or “interesting” as a hint to get closer to that “special woman.” Please note that these are just values such as “the fun of being able to understand each other among people of the same sex” and “it’s good to get along well with each other,” and not “I want women to cheat on me too much,” or “women who are addicted to gambling are my type.” However, there is a high possibility that his values are that he wants a woman who is tolerant of cheating and gambling.
④What do you spend your money and time on?
His values are strongly reflected in how he spends his money and time. Whether he “owns” something or, conversely, decides not to “own” it, it is an expression of his values. Bring out his values.
Start talking about his hobbies and interests, liven up the conversation with a cheerful smile, and if he doesn’t have any hobbies or is busy with work and doesn’t have a lot of time for himself, we recommend asking him questions like, “If you had free time and money, what would you do with it?” and “What do you think your ideal day would be like?” By asking him to answer these “questions that reveal his desires,” it will be easier to understand what he values.
Note
If you try to ask all the questions at once, it will become like an interrogation, so try asking them gradually, interspersing them with small talk. Also, no matter how incomprehensible you feel about values, please do not express your feelings in words or actions. If he senses your feelings and starts hiding his true feelings, you’ll lose track of his values. Try to empathize with what he’s saying and ask questions so that he can have fun talking.
Everyone has complexes. Complexes are areas that you don’t want to be touched on, so you shouldn’t ask questions. Don’t mention anything and act like you don’t care until he mentions it.
If your boyfriend confides in you about his complex, it is important to tell him that you are not concerned about it, focus on what he is good at and what he is confident in, and treat him in a caring manner. This will make it easier for him to get you closer to where he wants you to be. Let me give you a concrete example of how you should approach it.
◆In the case of a complex that is easy to understand visually
Example: He is kind and serious, but has a complex about being short.
What you should do: “I don’t care about your height at all.More than that, I think your kind and serious nature is more important and attractive to me as a person.” If you are concerned about his height, be sure to let him know.
Things you should avoid: Behaviors that arouse his complex, such as wearing high heels on a date with your boyfriend or complimenting tall celebrities or acquaintances.
In addition to being short, it’s easy to tell by appearance whether someone is fat or thin, has thinning hair, or has skin type, so be careful not to touch on them and think, “Maybe he has a complex…?”
◆In case of complex that is difficult to understand at first glance
Example: He is enthusiastic about his work, but has a complex about his low educational background.
What you should do: “I don’t care about your educational background at all. I don’t think it has anything to do with work. There are many people who just play around and do nothing even after entering university. I like you because you are passionate about your work.” If you are concerned about his academic background, be sure to let him know.
Behaviors you should avoid: Behaviors that arouse his complex, such as praising a friend or acquaintance with a high academic background or worrying about someone’s academic background.
In addition to academic background, there may be complexes that are difficult to understand by appearance, such as annual income, debt, family (religion, toxic parent, poor family), and chronic illness (physical or mental, such as taking time off from work due to depression). As long as you don’t know if he has a complex, try to avoid making negative comments or making strong claims while interacting with him.
Analyze his hidden values that you can’t understand just by asking questions
Even if you continue to analyze his values through four questions in your daily conversations, there are “hidden values” that you cannot understand or receive answers to. As I mentioned in the reason why it’s better not to ask straight questions like “What kind of women do you like?”, he often hides his true feelings.
For example, if he’s unhappy that you’re too thin, he might not express his feelings directly. Instead, they indirectly communicate their feelings by saying things like, “If you lose too much weight, your immune system will be weakened,” or by frequently trying to get you to eat something by saying, “You should eat more.” These words and actions hide his true feelings: “If she wasn’t so skinny, I’d like her even more…”
In this way, they often don’t tell you their true feelings because they don’t want to hurt you. Even if the values are important to him, he hides his true feelings. He’ll only reveal his true feelings when he realizes you share the same values, or when he feels comfortable letting you know who he is. When one or both of these conditions are met, they will tell you their true feelings.
To deeply understand his true values
“His hidden values” are intricately put together like a jigsaw puzzle, but if you carefully understand each one, you will find clues to understanding his current values. In order to deeply understand his true values, you need to observe his behavioral habits and the frequency of his comments over a long period of time. Although it is possible to tell a lie with one statement, it is difficult to tell a lie by thoroughly aligning the habits of behavior choices and the frequency of statements made.
◆Know the habits of behavioral choices
No matter what he says in words, his values are what he continues to choose through his actions. For example, even if he says, “I like to stay at home alone and get tired of being with others,” if he often goes out drinking with friends, his choice of behavior is his values. Values tend to be reflected in the choice of actions, but sometimes what he says and what he does may be different.
For example: He often says, “I don’t want to waste money. Cost performance is important. If the service is the same, I’d rather get cheaper.” I love deals and often use coupons when eating out. So far, their words and actions are consistent. However, when it comes to booking hotels and planes for a trip, they are not good at planning and preparing in advance, so they always end up making last-minute reservations, which ends up costing them money. If there is a discrepancy between what he says and what he actually does, you may get confused and think that what he says and what he does are completely different. In a situation like this, you may misjudge his values just by looking at his actions.
So how can you tell the difference?
◆Frequency of statements
In order to discern his true values, the important point is how often he speaks. Even if you can hide your true feelings in each statement depending on the situation, it is difficult to pay attention to everything you say in the long run. The more often he talks about it, the more likely it is that it is a true value that is important to him.
Once you understand his values, empathize with him and support him accordingly. Always remember that his values are reflected in every word he says. Values may change depending on the position he wants you to be in, the passage of time, and the situation. Don’t make assumptions based on just one piece of information; try to find out his current values from his daily conversations and actions. By observing not only his words but also his actions, you will deepen your understanding of him even more.
◆It is actually important to know his unimportant values.
It’s not just important to know his important values. This is because you don’t have to worry about things that he doesn’t care about. If you want to be liked by him so much that you try to do everything according to his ideals, you will get tired. The more you learn about his non-committal values, the more things you don’t have to work hard at, and the more things you can do freely. Let’s enjoy getting to know him by taking care of the important parts, but taking it easy where we can.
Examples: He doesn’t care about how you dress ← You can dress however you like He doesn’t care about how you drink alcohol ← You can choose how you drink alcohol He doesn’t care about women cooking ← You can do whatever you like about cooking
However, it is no good to suddenly take extreme action. Even if your boyfriend says, “It’s nice to be able to drink,” or “I don’t care about fashion or appearance,” if he actually gets drunk or gains a lot of weight, he might turn off. Keep an eye on him and gradually let him go.
How much should I adjust to him?
When I tell you the rule of “resonating with his values and continuing to act in a way that is friendly to him,” you may be asked, “Do I have to do everything to suit him?” In conclusion, you don’t have to do everything to suit him. However, I don’t think you need to agree with him from the beginning if you have the values that say, “It’s no exaggeration to say that this is my purpose in life, and it would be too painful to let it go.” This is because if your values are so important to you that it would be painful to let them go, it is essential that you have the understanding of the people you will be with for a long time, such as your dating partner and your marriage partner.
Examples: “Fashion is the purpose of life. If I don’t dress, my heart sinks.” “I love traveling abroad. If I don’t travel, my life feels empty.” “My boyfriend says he doesn’t want children, but I definitely want to have one.”
If you can’t let go of this one thing, you don’t have to agree to him. Because those are the values that are important to you. It would be a shame if he were to leave you because of that, but it would be better to think of a happier relationship for both of you. In other words, you need to weigh up what he likes and what your important values are, and choose the heavier option.
You may also be asked questions such as: “My ex-boyfriend dumped me, saying, “I was too impressed and wanted you to be more selfish.”I think there are some men who don’t like being made to agree with each other.”
I assure you, I didn’t get dumped because I tried to suit him. Of course, it’s possible if you always blatantly look at his face and match his features, but if you don’t, his words aren’t true.
For example: You didn’t reach the level of fun and comfort he was looking for. You found someone else you were interested in. You started asking him to meet up with you so often that he couldn’t live up to your expectations.
He may say “too fit” because he doesn’t want to hurt you even if it’s because of something else, or because he’s not even aware of the real reason. The more natural you become, the more valuable you will become to him, so that he will think, “There’s someone we really get along with.” It’s okay to protect the values that you can’t compromise on, but other than that, try to be close to him according to his needs.
Aiming to be the one and only for him by combining “matching values”
If you feel like you don’t have the confidence to become that special woman for him, try multiplying the numbers. If you have multiple elements that he thinks “values match” with him, by combining them, you will become more rare, and he will think that “there aren’t many women with whom he gets along so well.”
Example: “I enjoy being with him” x “I’m always in a good mood” x “I can cook to some extent” x “I can clean to some extent” x “I agree with him financially” x “I have a sense of chastity” x “My appearance is within the range of his preferences” x “My hobbies match” x “I keep my promises” x “I don’t lie” x “I’m kind”
Assume that each of these applies to 65% of women (this is just an assumption). Then, it becomes 100×0.65×0.65×…(approximately 1%). In other words, if you have all these factors, you can become a valuable woman for him, one in 100.
However, you may think, “If a really cute girl shows up, you’ll go there right away, right?” Certainly, such things can happen. However, just being cute doesn’t last. Even if you can become a lover in the short term, good looks alone cannot guarantee long-term relationship or marriage. The inner side, such as the comfort that he feels, is also essential. That’s why, by multiplying the factors that make him feel “worthy” of you, you can increase your chances of being special in the long run.
10 values checkpoints
For example, what kind of values should you know about him? When I conduct love profiling, I have prepared 10 checkpoints as an example of what I ask clients, so please use them as a reference.
Points to note: When he is passionate about you, it is difficult to see his true values. This is because he wants to make a good impression on you by saying, “I want you to love me” and “I want you to think that’s the kind of person I am.” Over the long term, observe his behavioral habits and the frequency of his comments.
① “I like to take care of myself” ←→ “I like to be taken care of”
For example: I often hear stories from him of how he made someone happy, such as “I congratulated my junior on his promotion” or “I gave my parents a trip as a gift.” They are also more likely to volunteer to do things that you think would make them happy. ←There is a high possibility that the value system is “I like to take care of people.”
Example: He does things when I ask him to, but often doesn’t do things unless I ask him to. Someone said, “You’re not good at taking care of people.” I’ve heard stories of people being helped and happy because the people around them cared for them. ←There is a high possibility that he “likes to be taken care of.”
② “I want to decide my schedule in advance” ←→ “I want to decide based on my mood that day”
③ “I want to save money” ←→ “I want to spend money without holding back”
④ “I want to be alone” ←→ “I want to be with people”
⑤ “I want to spend more time on love” ←→ “Work and hobbies are important”
⑥ “I want to go out” ←→ “I want to relax at home”
⑦ “I want to have physical relations frequently” ←→ “I don’t need physical relations”
⑧“I want to express my opinion” ←→ “I want you to understand my feelings”
⑨ “I always want to be popular” ←→ “I’m not particularly conscious of being popular”
⑩ “Focus on fun and enjoyment” ←→ “Focus on calmness and healing”
There’s a good balance between them, and both episodes may be familiar to you. For example, he does a lot for others when it comes to computers and hobbies, and he takes care of people in various ways even though he doesn’t ask them to. On the other hand, they won’t plan your date or make restaurant reservations unless you ask them. If you ask someone to go here, they will take you there.
If that’s the case, you can understand that people want to be cared for in certain areas, but they also want to be taken care of in other areas. Let’s put together what we know.
◆When it comes to love profiling, “determining” is the enemy His values change over time and depending on the situation. There may be a gap between what he says and what he actually does, so don’t just look at one statement or action and assume that this is his values. Understanding is important in love profiling. Continue to analyze his values by forming a hypothesis and making observations to understand his current values correctly.
――Understanding his “inability to try hard”――
There are times when I get irritated with him. Maybe it’s because you and he have a different sense of “not trying hard.” Once you understand this, you will feel much less irritated with him than you are now. I’ll give you an example of a friend who can’t do his best.
A-chan → hungry B-chan → sleepy
A-chan declared, “I get irritated when I’m hungry! Even though I know I’ll suffer if I eat, I still eat. I can’t stand being hungry! I’d rather get sick than endure it!” and was feeling sick after eating moldy bread.
B-kun can’t help but feel sleepy. I fall asleep while eating. Sometimes I fall asleep while walking and almost fall down the stairs, a life-threatening struggle. Even if you willingly agree to a request, if you feel sleepy, you won’t be able to keep your promise. But that doesn’t mean you’re disrespecting your promise to me, and it doesn’t mean you don’t value me as a friend. It was just that I couldn’t work hard.
I tend to be sleepy, so I don’t really feel the need to do my best when I’m sleepy, but I’ve had several surgeries, so I’m imagining things like, “I lose consciousness instantly under anesthesia, and I can’t resist it.” If you think so, you can be convinced that it can’t be helped. You can see that the fact that you couldn’t keep your promise due to your sleepiness has absolutely nothing to do with whether you care about me or not.
Like Mr. B, it’s hard for him to do his best, to the extent that he can’t do anything about it with his willpower or guts. If you can’t do your best, you have to give up to some extent and try to be creative in dealing with it. For example, when working with a child like A who is not hungry, keep snacks on hand and ask the child, “Are you hungry?” every two hours. If you are a sleepy type, ask them to get some sleep so they don’t become sleep deprived. Let me sleep when I’m sleepy. Please make a wish after getting plenty of sleep.
There are things that each person can’t do their best.
・Forgetful person
・People who are loose with their time
・People who cannot diet
・People who cannot make plans
What kind of things does the person you like not try hard at? Instead of blaming him, saying, “If you have feelings for me, you’ll try hard,” accept that he won’t try hard, and try to think of ways to deal with him so that you can get along with his personality, and you’ll become more comfortable and understanding to him.
――The “lover filter” is dangerous because it is unconscious――
In addition to NG behavior, something you should always be aware of is the existence of a “lover filter.” The lover filter means that you see him in the role of a lover. Viewing things through a lover filter is a very dangerous act. Most people are unaware of the existence of the lover filter because it is done unconsciously.
The lover filter will have a negative impact on your behavior towards your boyfriend. You’ll end up imposing your own image of a lover on him, saying things like, “I’m your boyfriend, so it’s only natural that he treats you like this,” and you’ll end up complaining and complaining about him.
<Example> You think it’s normal to go on a date with your lover if you have the same time off. Even if you haven’t made an appointment, I think it’s good etiquette to let each other know in advance if something is coming up, and I’ve always done that. But one day, without asking you, he made plans with a friend for the holidays. Although he hadn’t arranged a date with you, you were shocked because you thought the holidays were a date. You ended up blaming him, saying, “You should have asked me for permission before making an appointment with your friend.”
This is a classic example of blaming him through the lover filter. In this way, when the lover filter is activated, you will become irritated and more likely to vent your dissatisfaction every time your boyfriend’s words or actions deviate from the image you have in mind. Before he became your lover, you would never have had unreasonable expectations or blamed him. Even after he becomes your lover, don’t look at him in the role of a lover, but instead look at him for who he is.
When you feel irritated or dissatisfied with his behavior, stop and ask yourself, “Isn’t he currently using a boyfriend filter?” For example, let’s say you haven’t received a Message reply from him for a whole day. But what if this was a friend? You won’t feel like blaming the other person, thinking, “Why didn’t you reply quickly? Does that mean I’m not important?” You can spend time without worrying, “Maybe you’re busy, I’ll wait a little longer.” Make it a habit to remove your lover filter so that you don’t suffer from your unconscious filters.