Chapter 1: You can tell what he thinks of you by the position he wants you to be in.
Knowing what he thinks of you is the first step to making your love life successful. It is important to know where he wants you. “Position” here refers to personal space. Personal space is a measure of the distance at which you can get close to someone without making yourself uncomfortable, and it varies depending on the person. For example, if the person sitting next to you on an empty train is someone you know, it won’t bother you. However, when a stranger sits next to you, you feel uncomfortable and think, “Huh? There are other seats available, too.”
The same goes for psychological distance in human relationships. It may not be hard to listen to your concerns for a long time when your best friend asks you for advice, but it can be a bit difficult when a co-worker you barely know asks you to vent your concerns for a long time.
We applied the pleasure and displeasure of psychological distance to love and categorized it into 12 “desired positions.”
What are the “12 positions” he wants from you?
- 1st position: It has to be this woman! unique existence
- Second position: I want to get married!
- 3rd position: I want to date and I don’t mind getting married.
- 4th position: I want to date, but I don’t want to get married right away.
- 5th position: I want to date, but I don’t want to get married.
- 6th position: I don’t mind dating, but it’s not a must.
- 7th position: I really want to have a physical relationship, but I don’t want to date.
- 8th position: I would like to have a physical relationship if possible, but I don’t want to date.
- 9th position: It would be nice to have a physical relationship, but it’s not an option.
- 10th position: I want you to love me, but I don’t want to have a physical relationship with you.
- 11th position: Not particularly conscious
- 12th position: don’t want to be liked
His “want to date” and “want to have a physical relationship” are two different things. In Chapter 1, we divided the positions he wants you into into 12 categories. For example, 10 is “I just want to be liked,” 7 is “I just want to have a physical relationship,” and 5 is “I just want to date.” Many women fall into this category.
Once you know exactly where he wants you to be, it will be easier to understand his ambiguous behavior. “He acts in a suggestive manner because he wants to be popular and be liked by me, but he doesn’t ask me out because he doesn’t want to go out with me.” “He wants to have a physical relationship with me, but I’m in a position where he doesn’t want to go out with me, so when I ask him, “Are you dating?”, he ignores it.Unlike me, he says that wanting a physical relationship = wanting to go out with him, right?”
You are very curious about where he wants you to be and what he thinks about you. Therefore, we have prepared a check sheet for easy diagnosis.
Where does he want you to be? “12 position diagnosis”
1st position ▶ It has to be this woman! unique existence
They started dating after he confessed to her. Or you have been dating for more than a year. You feel that the relationship is going well. He will actively try to move towards marriage even if you don’t rush. It involves actions such as greeting one’s parents, proposing a marriage, and giving a ring. He thinks that you are the only one, that he can be happy because of you, and that he would not be able to live if he lost you.
2nd position ▶ I want to get married!
They started dating after he confessed to her. Or you have been dating for more than a year. You feel that the relationship is going well. He will actively try to move towards marriage even if you don’t rush. It involves actions such as greeting one’s parents, proposing a marriage, and giving a ring.
3rd position ▶ I want to date and I don’t mind getting married.
They started dating after he confessed to her. Or you have been dating for more than a year. You feel that the relationship is going well. He doesn’t mind when you talk about marriage and the future, and if you say you want to go see a ring, he’ll go, and if you try to set a date to greet your parents, he’ll agree. However, he does not actively move towards marriage, nor does he propose any arrangements.
4th position ▶ I want to date, but I don’t want to get married right away
They started dating after he confessed to her. Or you have been dating for more than a year. About half of the dates I go on are invitations from him. Occasionally, they talk about their future, such as, “When I have children, I want to get a dog, right?” but they never develop into concrete discussions about marriage. There are some comments such as “I want to study abroad” and “Maybe I’ll move here next” that give the impression that he won’t be married for the next three years, at least in his future plans.
5th position ▶ I want to date, but I don’t want to get married.
They started dating after he confessed to her. Or you have been dating for more than a year. He has never talked about marriage. Or, if you bring up the topic of marriage, they will be hesitant, or they will make negative comments about marriage, such as, “My parents didn’t get along so I have a bad impression of marriage,” or “I don’t understand the merits of marriage.”
6th position ▶ I don’t mind dating, but it’s not a must.
The relationship started with you urging him to decide whether or not to date. Or, you haven’t started dating yet, but you’ve continued dating at his invitation, and you’ve met more than 8 times in the last 3 months, but he hasn’t confessed to you.
7th position ▶ I really want to have a physical relationship, but I don’t want to date.
He invites me to meet him. I will spare no effort to please you. Try to create a flow of physical relationship with you. He has told me that he loves me, but he has never talked about dating me. I’ve been told things that seemed plausible even though we weren’t dating but had a physical relationship. There have been at least 4 times when I was asked to have a physical relationship and I refused. Or have had physical relations four or more times.
8th position ▶ I would like to have a physical relationship if possible, but I don’t want to date.
He invites me to meet him. Behave in a kind and suggestive manner. He hasn’t confessed to me, and he hasn’t talked about dating or anything like that. I’ve been told things like, “I’ll join you because of our physical compatibility” and “I’ve never confessed my feelings to you before we started dating,” which seem plausible when it comes to having a physical relationship without dating. No more than 3 times have I refused a physical relationship. Or have had physical contact three or fewer times.
9th position ▶ I would be happy if we could have a physical relationship, but it’s not an option.
If you invite him, the two of you can meet. Sometimes he invites me out to dinner. Behave in a kind and suggestive manner. I’ve tried to have a physical relationship with him several times, but it hasn’t happened. I’ve been told things like “I’m in a relationship based on physical compatibility” and “I’ve never started a relationship by confessing my feelings,” which seem plausible when it comes to having a physical relationship without dating. They have met more than 8 times over 3 months, but they have not confessed to each other.
10th position ▶ I want you to love me, but I don’t want to have a physical relationship with you.
If you invite him, the two of you can meet. Sometimes he invites me out to dinner. He sometimes has kind words and demeanor, but he doesn’t try to have a physical relationship with her.
11th position ▶ Not particularly conscious
If you contact him, he will reply. If you invite him, sometimes the two of you can meet up together. However, I have never met him because of his invitation. It’s fun to meet you and will help you if you are in trouble.
12th position ▶ I don’t want to be liked
Even if you invite him out, he will refuse or avoid you. Even though we can all go out to eat or drink together, we never go out alone. It doesn’t seem like he likes himself.
The above can be broken down into broad categories as follows:
- 1st to 3rd position: I want to get married 💖💖💖💖
- 4th to 6th position: I want to date but I don’t want to get married 💖💖💖
- 7th to 9th position: I want to have a physical relationship, but I don’t want to date 💖💖
- Position 10-11: Want to be liked but don’t want to have a physical relationship 💖
- 12th position: I don’t want to be liked 💔
How was it? There is no need to worry about knowing the exact location. First of all, it is important to know the approximate current position that he wants you to be in. Once you know the approximate location, you can plan your next strategy. And don’t get discouraged if “the position he wants you to be” is further away than you expected. This is because “position” is not fixed, but fluctuates. Depending on your efforts and actions, it is possible to get closer little by little.
It doesn’t have to be a strict number of dates or physical relationships, whether it’s 3, 4, or 8 times. This is because each condition and background is different. Even if you say “8 dates”, there is a difference between “8 dates in 2 months” and “8 dates in 1 year”. We have included specific numbers to help you make the diagnosis as easily as possible, but please use this as a guideline only.
What’s important is his point of view
Your wish is to be happy with him, to be as close as possible to where he wants you to be. So what should we do to achieve this? The most important thing to consider is, “How can he get you closer to where he wants you to be?”
How can he want to date you? How can he want to marry you? How could he decide to marry you and not anyone else? Everything is from his point of view. When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to think from your own perspective and worry about things like “I want to date him,” “I want to marry him,” and “this is how I want to be with him.”
However, in order to achieve the kind of relationship you want from him, you have no choice but to get him closer to the position you desire. In the next chapter 2, I will tell you the rules to get him closer to the position he wants you to be.
– 2 examples to understand “the position he wants you to be”
Example of Mr. A: Why doesn’t he want to date?
I have had physical relations with him several times. He often contacts me, and he always asks me out on dates. Every time I meet them, they say “I love you” or “I wanted to meet you.” However, when I asked her, “We’re lovers, right?” she said, “I don’t really understand what it means to be in a relationship,” and “It’s no different from dating,” and she clearly refuses to admit that we’re lovers. Why?
This can be explained by “the position he wants you to be in”. The position he wants from Mr. A is [Position 7]: He really wants to have a physical relationship, but he doesn’t want to date. He doesn’t want Mr. A to get close to him until he starts dating him [position 4 or 5]. He doesn’t want to go out with Mr. A because he feels uncomfortable if he gets any closer than this. He wants to have a physical relationship with Mr. A and is satisfied with the current state of having a physical relationship. But when it comes to dating, I’m hesitant. The truth is, “I want to stay in [position 7].”
Mr. B’s example: Is this true? I don’t understand what he’s thinking!
He works at the same place as me, so he often helps me when I’m in trouble. I’ve never been turned down for advice, and he only talks to me about his private family matters. He always sits next to me at drinking parties, and sometimes I feel like he’s being suggestive, such as when he has the same hairstyle as my favorite celebrity. I thought he was interested in me, so I asked him out and we went out to dinner, but he hasn’t invited me out for dinner or a date. Does he not like me?
The position he wants for Mr. B is [Position 10]: He wants her to like him, but he doesn’t want to have a physical relationship with her. I don’t want to have a physical relationship closer than that [7 or 8 position]. She doesn’t ask him out because she gets uncomfortable if he gets closer than she wants. But when Mr. B is a little far away, I want him to fall in love with me, so I act suggestive. He wants to be liked by Mr. B as a man, and he feels that Mr. B is a desirable person, or perhaps he is a colleague with whom he wants to get along. However, I don’t really want to develop a romantic relationship with Mr. B.
Did you somehow get a feel for the “desired position”?
– What to do when you’re feeling sad
When I’m at work, when I’m with friends, or when I’m alone, I just think about him, and it’s painful. I can’t sleep, and I can’t even swallow food. Is there any way to make it even a little easier?
I totally understand!
But if you worry about him and have trouble sleeping, and if that continues for a long time, your body and mind will no longer be able to survive. Please try to put your mind at ease by using the methods that I will tell you from now on.
When I think about him and it hurts…
STEP1: “No! I was thinking about him again,” you realize.
STEP2: Try saying something out loud for a few minutes. It can be a multiplication table, or it can be a reading of a novel. If you’re at work, it’s a good idea to read emails and documents aloud. The voice volume is normal and OK. If you’re working, it’s okay to have a very low voice. It’s important to say something out loud! Humans are wired to be unable to think of anything else while talking about something. Try thinking about him while reciting your multiplication table. hey? Isn’t it difficult to do it at the same time?
STEP3: Once you’ve calmed down a little, try thinking about something other than him without saying it out loud. Anything you like or have an interest in is fine. For example, if you love cooking, you keep thinking of recipes you want to try. If you’re at work, focus on your work. (*Warning… It’s easier to think about him when you’re doing something passive, so try to avoid it. For example, watch TV, listen to music, etc.)
STEP4: Before I knew it, I was thinking about him again…and I immediately returned to STEP 1. Let’s just repeat this step. It might be hard to do well at first, and you might find yourself thinking about him again soon. But if you keep doing this, you’ll be able to gradually increase the amount of time you spend without thinking about him, whereas at first he would pull you back into your thoughts after just a few minutes.
Once you feel better, get some sleep, eat, and feel better, let’s do what we can to have a “happy love life” with him.