Chapter 4: Women who let go of attachments can successfully develop relationships with others

In Chapter 4, in addition to “How to let go of attachments,” I will share with you some ways of thinking that I think are particularly important in love and life.

This chapter is full of tips to help you take control of your life and live a flexible, light-hearted life.
If you think deeply, continue to ask questions, and deepen your understanding, you will surely be able to have a satisfying relationship.

Become aware of your assumptions and let them go: to be liberated from attachment

Attachments often arise from unconscious beliefs.
Therefore, reexamining and eliminating your preconceptions will lead to healthy romantic and interpersonal relationships.

Here are some common misconceptions and how to deal with them:

The belief that romantic feelings must be valued

✔ Romantic feelings are nothing more than a device to create illusions
✔ It is more important to value your mental state and self-esteem than romantic feelings

💡 Romantic feelings arise naturally when certain conditions are met.
✔ Sometimes it’s not that “I fell in love with this person” but rather that “the environment was right”
✔ That’s why it’s important to prioritize your own mental stability, rather than just clinging to the feeling of “liking” someone.

The belief that “this person is the only one for me”

💡 It’s not that “This person is the only one I have,” it’s just that “This person is the only one I can see.”

✔ Your perspective becomes narrow and fixed, leading you to believe that “this person is the only one”
✔ In reality, it’s just that “other relationships are becoming weaker.”

How to get out of this situation:
✅ “Make sure that person isn’t the sole focus of your life”
✅ “Belong to multiple communities and build relationships that are not dependent on specific people”

💡 By broadening your horizons, you can free yourself from the assumption that “this person is the only one.”

The belief that “if I express my opinion, others will dislike me”

✔ Which person would you rather associate with: someone who doesn’t express their opinions, or someone who expresses their opinions?
✔ You can feel at ease with someone who expresses their opinions clearly.

💡 The method of “not expressing your opinion so as not to be disliked” is actually not effective.

✔ If someone dislikes you because you expressed your opinion, then it’s someone you don’t mind being disliked by.
✔ This person just “expects you to silently obey,” so it will not be a healthy relationship.

It’s also possible that people weren’t disliked for expressing their opinion, but rather because they expressed it in an inappropriate way.
💡 By being creative with how you communicate, you will be able to convey your ideas while building trust.

By becoming aware of our assumptions and letting go, we can create freer and healthier relationships.
In order to free yourself from attachment, first try to be conscious of “questioning your assumptions”✨

The assumption that “if they really like you, they’ll say it”

There are many different ways people express their love,
✔ Some people are good at expressing affection, while others are not.
✔ It is not accurate to judge whether someone loves you or not just by whether they say “I love you”

💡 There are people who don’t say “I love you” even if they really do love you
✔ Shy
✔ Different ways of expressing affection
✔ Sometimes they are particular about what they don’t say

On the other hand, there are men who say “I love you” even if they don’t.
✔ Because I want to keep it
✔ They are just speaking based on their emotions and momentum

💡 In other words, it is completely meaningless to measure affection solely by the word “like.”
✔ It is important to judge true love from actions and attitudes rather than words.

The belief that “if we talk, we will always understand each other”

✔ “It’s good to choose someone you can talk to.” “When you’re in trouble, it’s important to talk things out.”
✔ Although these are important concepts in relationships, it is not necessarily the case that “talking about it will solve everything”

💡 It is important to understand that no matter how much you talk, there are times when you just can’t understand each other.
✔ Accept that there are gaps between men and women and between individuals that cannot be bridged.
✔ The purpose of discussion is not to “understand each other completely” but to “face each other as beings with equal opinions”

💡 “We can’t understand each other” doesn’t mean the other person is weird
✔ Accepting differences is also an important part of communication.

The belief that “men should be made to chase”

💡 The credibility of the claim that “men should be made to chase” is questionable.
✔ Are tactics like “acting coldly on purpose” or “making them jealous” really effective?

Why this idea is spreading:
✅ Because it’s a “buzzworthy” way of thinking → it’s easily spread on social media and in online articles
✅ It gives the impression that “it’s easy to make your wishes come true” → People who are in a tight spot are more likely to be attracted to easy methods

But 👇
💡 You can’t build trust by making someone chase you
✔ They may pursue you for a certain period of time, but they will hide their true feelings and manipulate you.
✔ The more a man has sound judgmental abilities, the more distrustful and uncomfortable he feels

💡 “If you want to date a decent man, it’s important to build an honest relationship, not a game.”
✔ It is important to focus on long-term trust rather than short-term strategies.

The belief that “it’s better to break up with a man who doesn’t cherish me”

“It’s better to break up with a man who doesn’t cherish you” — this may seem true at first glance, but it’s not entirely correct.

✔ Of course, you should walk away from relationships where you feel rejected or hurt.
✔ However, what you should think about is, “Am I behaving in a way that makes me feel valued?”

💡 People who repeatedly say, “I’m breaking up with him because he doesn’t care about me,” may not be reaching a fundamental solution.

✔ If you break up with your partner without explaining how you want to be treated, you will repeat the same mistake.
✔ In other words, it is important to tell the other person in advance what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy.

See you soon 👇
💡 Be careful of the mindset that “if the other person doesn’t care about me, then I won’t care about them either.”
✔ Dating is a relationship in which you “recognize each other as important.”
✔ If you don’t have the desire to cherish your partner, then love is lacking to begin with.

💡 If you show your appreciation for your partner but they don’t respond at all, you should break up.
Either way, it’s important to remember to take a look at your own posture as well.

The misconception that “you shouldn’t let someone know you like them before you start dating”

✔ “If you express your feelings before you start dating, the other person will get cocky and lose interest” — this is a claim we often see.
✔ But if that’s true, is it the right thing to do to “keep your feelings hidden”?

💡 Rather than hiding your feelings, confessing, and getting rejected, it would be more reasonable to express your feelings early on and see how the other person reacts.

✔ In modern romance, there are many passive men who “cannot make a move until they are sure of the other person’s feelings.”
✔ That’s why it’s best to express your feelings honestly.

💡 What’s important is 👇
✅ The key is not to “avoid letting your feelings be known,” but to “express your feelings in ways that are easy for the other person to understand.”
✅ “Retreating gracefully when things don’t work out.”

The belief that “you should never become attached”

✔ It is true that it is better to let go of your attachments.
✔ However, the idea that “attachment is absolutely bad” can also become a form of attachment.

💡 One way is to just stick with it until you get bored of it.
✔ You can reflect on how you felt as a result of your attachment and then let go with confidence.

✔ You only live once. You can’t rewind.
That’s why only you can know what the right choice is for you.

💡 Another thing you can learn is to not jump to the conclusion that you should never be attached, but to face the issue until you are satisfied.

.Living proactively—a necessary element in love and in life

It is often said that “mental independence is important to be happy in love,” and at the heart of mental independence is “being proactive.”

✔ Passive women are more likely to get attached
✔ Being proactive means “making choices of your own volition”
In a nutshell👇

✔ Passive love → Waiting for the other person to do something
✔ Proactive love → A relationship where you think about “what you want to do” and take action proactively

What is passive love?

Passive love is a style of relationship where the movement depends on the other person’s actions.

💡 Features:
✅ I want to be loved, but I don’t love myself
✅ I want to be told “I love you” but I can’t express my feelings
✅ I want to be invited, but I don’t invite people myself
✅ Wait for the other person to contact you
✅ I want my partner to decide the direction of our relationship

💡 Problem:
⚠ You become easily dependent on others and become attached
⚠ You tend to become anxious when your partner’s actions decrease.
⚠ Romance becomes a way to fulfill oneself, and one’s self-esteem depends on the other person

What is subjective love?

A proactive relationship is one in which you build a relationship of your own volition.

💡 Features:
✅ Think “I want to love” instead of “I want to be loved” by the other person
✅ Instead of “wanting to be invited,” “invite others yourself”
✅ Value your own time and don’t depend on romance alone
✅ If you want to be understood, try to understand yourself
✅ Don’t leave relationships up to the other person, build them of your own volition

💡 Pros:
✨ You will be able to maintain a stable mind without being swayed by love
✨ Your self-esteem will increase because you don’t measure your worth by the actions of others.
✨ You will naturally become more attractive and will be more likely to be cherished by others.

How to be proactive in love

✔ Shift from a relationship where you “wait” to a relationship where you “take action”
✔ Think “What do I want to do?” instead of “What can’t you do?”
✔ Build a fulfilling life for yourself, without relying on others’ reactions

In love, the more passive you are, the more anxious you become and the more likely you are to become obsessed.
On the contrary, the more proactive you are in building your relationship, the more peaceful and enjoyable it will be.

💡 “Being passive” means waiting for the other person to take action. In other words, it means relying on luck.
✔ “Am I prepared to get hurt or fail?”
✔ “Avoiding pain and failure and doing nothing?”

The former is the one that will definitely lead to growth and increase your knowledge.
It’s up to you which one you choose✨

What is a “convenient woman”?

You may think, “Having autonomy means becoming a convenient woman,” but this is a misunderstanding.

✔ A woman who is passive and expects the other person to do something for her is not a “convenient woman” but an “inconvenient woman.”
✔ A so-called “convenient woman” is a woman who is self-sacrificing and devoted to her partner.

💡 There’s a difference between being proactive and blindly devoting yourself to something.
✔ Being proactive means knowing what you want and don’t want to do, and choosing actions that will benefit your relationships.
✔ The important thing is whether you expect something in return.
✔ If you feel like giving your all is a loss, it’s proof that you are expecting something in return.

💡 Living proactively is close to loving.

Experience being popular

✔ Many women think, “Instead of being popular with the general public, I want to be deeply loved by one person.”
✔ However, “someone who is loved by one person = someone who is seen as attractive by many people.”

💡 It’s hard to imagine that someone who is not popular with anyone would suddenly be deeply loved by one person.
✔ That’s why it’s more effective to experience being popular as a stepping stone rather than aiming to be loved by just one person all at once.

How to be popular👇
✅ Use a dating app to meet many members of the opposite sex (not for romance, but to gain experience)
✅ Analyze “Why did I like you?” → Understand the impact of your reactions, speaking style, and self-disclosure
✅ Learn what makes people like it, verify it and update it accordingly

💡 By experiencing “being popular” 👇
✔ Deepen understanding of people
✔ Improve your communication skills
✔ You will have more time

As a result, you will acquire the skills to be liked by people you should like and distance yourself from people you don’t want to be liked.

💡 Instead of aiming to “get a boyfriend” from the start, prioritize “acquiring the necessary skills and knowledge.”

✔ “Just because it’s a matching app doesn’t mean you have to be looking for love.”
✔ It can also be used to “make friends” and “practice conversation.”

💡 It’s also effective to write in your profile section that you’re looking to make friends or practice conversation.

One way to do this is to use a matching app as a tool to deepen your understanding of people.

Create a gratitude circuit

💡 Gratitude is not just a feeling, it’s a way of thinking.
✔ Without this circuit, you will only find dissatisfaction.
✔ When you have this circuit, you can naturally feel gratitude, regardless of what happens.

So how do you create this “gratitude circuit”?
💡 The key is to “express your gratitude first.”
✔ Even if you don’t feel grateful, expressing it in words will help you feel grateful later.

💡 Gratitude is essential even in romantic relationships.
✔ Men derive more joy from being recognized for the love they have given than from having something done for them.
✔ The psychological tendency to “want to devote oneself” rather than having someone devote themselves to you is at work.

💡 That’s why it’s important to develop the habit of being grateful not only in romantic relationships, but also in everyday relationships.

The importance of relying on others

What does it mean to be “loved”?
💡 “To be accepted and affirmed unconditionally.”
✔ To be recognized not only for your positive aspects, but also for your weaknesses and shortcomings.

💡 In order to be loved, you need to let others know your imperfections.
✔ It is important to tell the other person what your problem is, get them to understand, and ask for their cooperation.

But 👇
💡 “Relying on” and “depending on” are different.
✔ “Relying on” = Recognizing your own weaknesses and asking for help.
✔ “Dependence” = Unconsciously relying too much on others and not feeling grateful.

💡 The right way to ask👇
✅ “Put what you want into words”
✅ If you want someone to listen to you, say, “I’d be happy if you would listen to me.”
✅ If you want to be hugged, say, “Just a hug would be fine, please.”

💡 There’s no need to feel guilty about relying on others.
✔ Relying on others satisfies the desire to be helpful to others.
✔ Men in particular have a desire to become heroes and help others.

💡 If he isn’t there for you when you need him, it’s a sign he doesn’t love you.
✔ By relying on others, you can see their true feelings.

Use optimistic language

💡 The words you choose determine the direction of your life.

✔ “It doesn’t matter” = Release your attachment
✔ “It doesn’t matter” = Distinction between yourself and others
✔ “It’ll all work out somehow” = Hope for the future
✔ “It was just right” = Acceptance of reality

💡 Example:
✅ “It doesn’t matter if he contacts me or not” → Towards a relationship without attachment
✅ “I remembered my ex, but it’s okay” → Let go of your feelings
✅ “It doesn’t matter if everyone around me is married. I’m going to enjoy my life.” → A way of life that isn’t influenced by others
✅ “My partner is busy and we can’t meet, but it’s good that I can. I’ll use this time to focus on myself.” → How to have a positive perspective

💡 Words shape your life.
✔ It is important to not be bound by words and to choose words that will liberate you.

✔ “He who controls his words controls his life.”

Get some exercise

✔ People who have trouble with love tend to have poor exercise habits

✔ You tend to spend your time outside of your relationship either at home or at work

💡 If you stay still, you will easily become overcome by anxiety and will not be able to stop thinking about the other person.

✔ As a result, you become more attached.

💡 Forcing yourself to move is an effective way to free yourself from worries.

✅ It’s hard to worry while walking or jogging → It can be an opportunity to change your way of thinking

✅ Exercise not only reduces stress and anxiety, but also improves intellectual performance

✅ Exercise increases the amount of BDNF, which promotes the growth of brain cells, improving memory, concentration, and judgment.

💡 You can expect results from any exercise 👇

✔ Choose what works best for you: walking, yoga, running, strength training, etc.

✔ About 2 hours of exercise per week is most effective

💡 Make exercise a habit so you don’t get carried away with love.

It helps you calm your mind and be able to face love calmly.

Thinking about death and being aware of the finiteness of life

✔ We tend to forget that we will die someday

✔ There is no guarantee that you will live to old age

💡 If you only had one month left to live, would you continue living the way you are now?

✔ Are you facing something you wanted to do but couldn’t?

✔ If you’re not satisfied with your life, you need to change the way you live.

💡 If you are obsessed, ask yourself these questions👇

✅ “If your life were to end in a month, would you still continue this obsession?”

✔ When you think about “continuing,” it’s not an obsession, it’s something that’s truly important

✔ When you think “I’m going to quit,” it’s an attachment that needs to be let go.

💡 By being aware of death, you can clearly identify the true nature of what you are currently dealing with and see what you need to do.

Adopt mixed color thinking (let go of black and white thinking)

✔ In love, the desire to make things clear only leads to suffering

✔ Because there are so many things in the world that don’t have clear answers

💡 Examples of relationships that tend to lead to black-and-white thinking 👇

⚠ “I’m happy if I hear from him, and unhappy if I don’t” → I cling to hearing from him, and it makes me miserable

⚠ “If we can date, it’s worthless. If we can’t date, it’s worthless.” → Dating becomes the goal, and you lose sight of the true essence of the relationship.

⚠ “I want to know for sure whether I’m interested or not” → This puts pressure on the other person and puts a burden on them

💡 In love, it’s important to “accept ambiguity” rather than black and white.

✔ “Understanding what you don’t know” builds better relationships

✔ It is also important to “not rush to conclusions” and “go with the flow”

💡 Emotions aren’t black and white, they’re multicolored and complex👇

✔ “I’m sad but relieved”

✔ “I’m happy but sad”

💡 Instead of forcing yourself to find a “clear answer,” have the peace of mind to think, “It’s fine the way it is.”

✔ People and relationships are not simple; they are chaotic.

✔ Continually updating your perspective on the world can be beneficial in both love and life.

Get into the habit of asking questions

✔ “I don’t know what he’s thinking” or “I can’t ask him what I want to ask” are some of the common worries.
✔ However, although we can “imagine” what the other person is feeling, we cannot “accurately guess” what they are feeling.
✔ In other words, the reality is that you won’t get an accurate answer unless you ask the person directly.

💡 It’s important to ask about anything you’re curious about right then and there👇
✅ By asking “Why do you think that?” you can draw out the reasons and circumstances and get to know the other person’s inner thoughts.

for example:
✔ “I’m not thinking about dating right now” → “Why do you think that?”
✔ “I’m not good at keeping in touch” → “Why are you not good at it?”

💡 There’s no need to worry about being thought of as “heavy” when asking.
✔ On the contrary, people who are able to ask questions proactively make a good impression as being “curious” and “willing to listen carefully.”
✔ The more you listen to others, the deeper your relationship will be.

💡 By getting into the habit of listening 👇
✔ Easier access to information and knowledge
✔ You can understand the other person more deeply
✔ Gain greater self-understanding and improve your communication skills

Don’t just look at love from the outside

✔ “How often you message me,” “whether he says he loves me,” “how many times he comes to see me,” “gifts” — these are obvious ways of expressing affection.
✔ However, if you think that this is the only thing that constitutes the “essence of love,” you will lose sight of what is important.

💡 When you can no longer see “visible love,” it’s easy to become anxious.
✔ As a result, you become obsessed with superficial affection.

But 👇
💡 It is important to have the ability to imagine “invisible love” and think objectively.

for example:
✔ What if a man truly loves you when he says, “I’m sad that you don’t believe me”?
✔ The man will feel helpless, lose confidence and ultimately become less affectionate.

💡 If the other person continues to have the experience of not receiving love, they will give up on the relationship.
✔ As a result, there are many cases where people only realize they love each other after they break up.

💡 That’s why it’s important to understand the difference between the love you expect and the love the other person is trying to give you.

Understand that you are different from others

✔ The main cause of attachment is “identifying yourself with the other person”
✔ I tend to think, “Because I think this way, the other person must think the same.”

💡 For example 👇
⚠ “If I’m this serious about the other person, then they must be serious too.”
⚠ “If something makes me happy, it will make the other person happy too.”
⚠ “I don’t like this, so I’m sure the other person doesn’t like it either”

💡 However, all of these are merely subjective opinions or delusions.
✔ When “expectations” and “reality” do not match, it creates strong attachment.

💡 How to understand that you are different from others👇
What you value and what others value are different
How much you like someone has nothing to do with how much they like you
The love you want to give is not necessarily the love the other person wants to receive.
The love you want is different from the love your partner is trying to give you
What makes you happy is not necessarily what the other person will like
✅ What you dislike may not necessarily be what the other person dislikes
Your way of life is different from the way others live

💡 Based on this premise, it is important to understand the situation objectively through repeated dialogue, rather than making subjective or delusional assumptions.
✔ The result is a relationship of respect and non-attachment.

💡 If you are aware that you tend to get attached, it is important to build a relationship with the premise that you are different from the other person even before you start dating.
✔ Even if you realize after dating that the person is not right for you, you may find it difficult to let them go.
✔ That’s why it’s important to determine whether you can accept the differences between you and your partner before you start dating.

Take initiative

💡 To truly feel love, you need a reaction from the other person.
✔ However, you won’t get that reaction without your own action.

For example 👇
✅ When you express your feelings to someone, they will be happy and will return the favor.
✅ If you look someone in the eye when you talk, they will look you in the eye.
✅ Smile and you’ll smile back
✅ When you make a suggestion, you will receive gratitude and joy in return.
✅ If you muster the courage to speak your true feelings, they will accept you.

💡 In other words, if you do nothing, you won’t get the opportunity to feel loved.
✔ If you suppress yourself, the other person will not respond.
✔ If you are lying to yourself, you will not be able to properly receive the other person’s love.

💡 Honest actions and expressions create a “circulation of love” and enrich relationships.
✔ Expressing your feelings will help you elicit love from others and foster deeper bonds.

Stop seeking the truth

✔ The more obsessed a person is, the more they tend to seek the truth, asking questions like, “Is what he’s saying true?” or “Is he cheating on me?”
✔ It is true that it is important to “check in order to trust” someone. However, this should be done before you start dating.

💡 If you continue to cling to the “truth” even after you start dating, you’ll end up overthinking it and it will become painful.
✔ Checking your smartphone doesn’t give you a true sense of security.
✔ The problem isn’t whether or not you look at your smartphone, but rather that if you don’t look at your smartphone, the relationship is one in which you can’t trust each other.

💡 The fundamental reason for pursuing the truth 👇
✅ “I don’t have confidence in my own eyes, so I want absolute security.”
✅ As a result, you continue to search for the truth, become exhausted, and your relationship with the other person deteriorates.

💡 It’s important to have the perspective of “How can we make our relationship even better?”
✅ Think, “How can I deepen my relationship?”, not, “How can I fill my insecurities?”
✅ If you feel like you can’t think constructively, consider breaking up.
✅ Understand that peace of mind will never come if you try to fill your fears

Carving out “true experiences”

💡 Most obsessions arise from a lack of fulfillment in our daily lives.
✔ Simply taking up more hobbies and keeping yourself busy won’t solve the problem.
✔ The important thing is to increase the number of experiences that you feel are truly meaningful.

What is a “True Experience”?
✅ Not just an incident, but an emotion that happens inside
✅ Sensations, tastes, smells, voices, sounds, feelings, emotions, and other things that are deeply engraved in our memory

💡 How can you get the “true experience”?
1️⃣ Create your own story
✔ Accumulate chance occurrences as “special experiences”
✔ For example, the bond with the animal you helped, the challenge you faced, etc.

2️⃣ Immerse yourself in something
✔ Enjoy it to the fullest without worrying about whether it’s meaningful or not.
✔ Keep your smartphone away from outside stimuli
✔ Try something new and experience the feeling of immersion

💡 “The moment you start thinking about whether you are happy or not, you are no longer happy.”
✔ Feeling each moment deeply leads to true fulfillment.
✔ By immersing yourself in something, you can gain the feeling of “enjoying today without worrying about tomorrow.”

Distinguishing between memory and the other person

✔ “I can’t forget my ex-boyfriend” or “I can’t stop thinking about what they said back then and it makes me frustrated” — we’ve all had these experiences.
✔ However, this is not because you are attached to the other person, but simply because you are trapped by memories.

💡 In reality, the other person is a different person from “that person from the past.”
✔ Even though our names and appearances may not change, our hearts are changing every day.
✔ Psychology says that the human mind is so fluid that we think about 70,000 thoughts a day.

💡 Even if you wish “I don’t want them to change” or “I want them to go back to the way they were before,” it won’t work because it will only lock you into memories of the past.
✔ People change. That’s why it’s important to separate the past from the present, and the memories from the other person.

💡 Instead of assuming, “That person is like this” or “I am this kind of person,” you can reduce your attachment by taking the perspective, “I am a new person now.”

Seeing things in a flat way

✔ “I need to work harder to improve my self-esteem” – many people struggle with this belief.
✔ However, “trying hard” and “affirming” are not necessary in themselves.

💡 The important thing is not to judge what is good or bad, or superior or inferior.

For example 👇
✅ When you feel angry → Instead of thinking, “I’m an emotional, useless person,” calmly accept the situation by saying, “I’m angry right now.”
✅ When you find yourself obsessed with your ex-lover → Instead of thinking, “I’m a bad person because I keep getting obsessed,” look at the facts and think, “I’m obsessed right now.”
✅ When you find yourself comparing yourself to others → Accept things as they are by saying, “So-and-so has a boyfriend. I don’t. That’s all.”

💡 Self-denial creates a feeling of remorse and gives the temporary illusion of forgiveness, but it does not lead to further action.
✔ First of all, having an objective perspective will ultimately lead to a more stable sense of self-esteem.

Feel the emotions

✔ Joy, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness—emotions are natural.
However, if you continue to suppress negative emotions, they will remain somewhere and cause problems in your mind and body.

💡 That’s why it’s important to fully feel your emotions.

Methods 👇
✅ When you feel confused, ask yourself, “How would I put these feelings into words?”
✅ Find words that fit “Frustrated? Lonely? Empty? Sad? Annoyed?”
✅ It’s okay to have a mixture of emotions, such as “sad and empty”

💡 The key to feeling your emotions👇
✅ Let go of thoughts and simply face your current emotions
✅ Don’t think of reasons like “because he did this”; just accept it as “I’m feeling this way right now.”
✅ By actively engaging with your emotions, you learn how to deal with them and gain more control over them.

💡Taking care of your emotions means taking care of yourself.
✔ By having compassion and facing your emotions, it becomes easier to let go of your attachments.

Don’t depend too much on the approval of others

✔ At first glance, it seems right to seek “approval from others” in order to increase one’s self-esteem.
✔ However, if you have a tendency to deny yourself, no amount of approval will satisfy you.

💡 If you have a habit of self-doubt, you’re like a bucket with a hole in it, and no matter how much approval you receive, it will flow away.
✔ That’s why it’s important to first understand where your weaknesses are and accept them.

💡 When it comes to approval, it’s important to focus on the “process” rather than the “results.”
✅ “I got a boyfriend,” “I lost 3 kilos,” “He told me I’m cute” — becoming dependent on these results can easily lead to instability.
✅ “Today I worked on XX,” “I learned XX from this failure,” “What did I come up with?” By acknowledging this process, you can build up a solid sense of self-recognition.

💡 Habit formation is key 👇
✅ “Think back on what you did well today while taking a bath”
✅ “While brushing your teeth, organize what you’ve learned recently.”
✅ Keep a notebook and review it regularly

✔ When you are able to accept yourself, you will no longer be overly dependent on the approval of others, and your attachments will naturally decrease.

Talk to people you can speak honestly with

✔ When there are no opportunities to speak honestly, it is easy to find yourself in a state where you don’t know what you’re thinking.
✔ As a result, people are unable to express their feelings to others, and enduring and suppressing their feelings can lead to obsession.

💡 Self-esteem is based on self-understanding.
✅ “What do you like and what do you dislike?”
✅ “What are you good at and what are you bad at?”
✅ “What do I want to be?”
✔ Knowing this will boost your self-esteem.

💡 Create an environment where people can speak their true feelings
✅ Talk honestly with a trusted friend
✅ Use counselling
✅ Write down your thoughts in a notebook (it’s also effective to write comments to yourself)

example:
“I let my feelings out on my boyfriend” →”There are days like that,” “Next time, I’ll try to be more creative in how I communicate.”

💡 By looking at what happened in this way objectively, you can analyze it calmly.
✔ By understanding your true feelings and deepening your self-dialogue, you can reduce your dependence on others and achieve peace of mind.

Free yourself from the curse of self-confidence

✔ “Confident women are popular,” “If you have confidence, you will be loved” — such claims are overflowing on social media and in online articles.
✔ However, if you get too caught up in the concept of “confidence,” you may end up becoming overly depressed.

💡 The important thing is not “whether I have confidence or not,” but “what should I do now?”

✅ Instead of thinking about your confidence, invest in yourself.
✔ Diet, muscle training, exercise
✔ Practice makeup and wear your favorite clothes
✔ Imitate the behavior of someone you admire
✔ Learn what you want to learn
✔ Go to a place that heals your soul
✔ Eat something delicious

💡 These “self-serving actions” ultimately lead to self-confidence and create peace of mind.

Instead of “trying to forget,” “create new fun”

✔ Obsession with an ex-lover comes from the fact that nothing beats the fun you had with that person.
✔ In other words, the desire to “regain the enjoyment of the past” strengthens the attachment.

💡 However, the fun of the past will never come back, which is why trying to “forget” will only be counterproductive.
✅ “Trying to forget” strengthens the memory, making it harder to forget.
✅ What’s needed is “effort to create new fun.”

💡 The amount of fun we feel depends on novelty.
✔ The brain is constantly seeking new stimulation.
✔ A routine that is patterned can dull emotions and lead to boredom and attachment.

💡 To bring in newness 👇
✅ Try a game or sport you’ve never played before
✅ Make a dish you’ve never made before
✅ Trying out an unknown instrument
✅ Learn something new

💡 Travel is also recommended 👇
✅ Not only going on trips, but even visiting new shops and stations for the first time can be a refreshing experience.
✅ Going outside and experiencing a new world brings color to your life.

✔ The more new experiences you have, the less attached you are to past pleasures and the more fulfilling your life becomes.

Aiming for “convincing”

✔ “Correctness” is an external standard, but “acceptability” is all an internal standard.
✔ In order to let go of an attachment, it is important to think about how you can accept it and then act on it.

💡 In order to achieve convincing
✅ “Keep asking questions” → Look within yourself and listen to your inner voice
✅ “Live your life to the fullest” → Instead of waiting for happiness, focus on what you can do now

✔ It is important to move away from societal values ​​such as “it should be like this” or “you should do this” and prioritize your own sense of satisfaction.

“Only learning can save you”

✔ The key to overcoming failure, finding meaning in the reality we face, and freeing ourselves from attachment is “learning.”
✔ By looking at any event from the perspective of “What can I learn?”, you can move towards a positive future.

💡 For example 👇
✅ What realizations has this experience brought to your life?
✅ What have you learned from this wound?
✅ What lessons can we learn from regret?

✔ We often only realize the meaning of a breakup after we are no longer able to see that person.
✔ It is in the midst of sadness that new doors open and the path forward becomes clear.

💡 First, start by expressing your gratitude for meeting you.
✔ Parting and loss are not the end of everything, but the beginning of a new self and new encounters.

Conclusion

Love yourself and choose a life you’re happy with

Thank you for reading “That Love is Just an Obsession.”
This may contradict what I have said so far.
However, there is one last thing I really want to say.

💡 It’s okay to be obsessed.
✔ I find people who are obsessed to be lovable.
✔ A life without any attachments would be quite boring.

So if you’re attached to something,
Please love the whole of yourself, even though you are obsessed.

✔ Even if you don’t love yourself, I still love you.
✔ Because you’re trying your best to live.

💡 The fact that you picked up a book and are trying to learn something, try to change, try to look at yourself – that’s amazing enough.

So, it’s okay.

✔ But if you get stuck, ask someone for help.
✔ Relying on others gives us the strength to live and the opportunity to receive love.

💡 If you don’t have anyone you can rely on, please talk to me.
✔ II want to respect your way of life.
✔ Iis on your side. We’re rooting for you.

✨ May you live a life that satisfies you.