Chapter 3: Be careful! Things that will make you more obsessed with men
Chapters 1 and 2 gave you some ideas on how to understand and improve your own condition.
However, no matter how much you improve yourself, if you choose the wrong partner, you will not be able to escape from obsessive love.
In Chapter 3, we will explain in detail the characteristics of men who lead to obsessive relationships and the points to look out for in judging a partner.
💡 Be wary of men who are unplanned, thoughtless, and irresponsible.
How about something like this? 😊 I’ve made it more natural and strengthened the message!
Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to change!
1. They want to be taken care of
✔ Trying to borrow money
✔ Forcing them to help with housework
In relationships with such men, the “sunk cost effect” (the desire to not waste time and effort that has been spent in the past) is likely to come into play, which can ultimately lead to obsession.
💡 For example…
- Cases where lending money makes it difficult to break up until it is repaid
- But often the money you lend doesn’t come back.
To avoid this situation:
✅ Clearly tell them, “If you don’t pay me back by a certain date, I’ll break up with you.”
✅ If you still can’t get your money back, give up or consult a lawyer.
Also, caring too much about others is not good for either of you.
✔ It takes away the other person’s “will to live”
✔ Inability to form independent relationships
💡 It is important to value the sense of distance that comes from “each person doing their own thing” and to aim for an independent relationship.
2. Low sense of responsibility for promises
If the other person continues not to keep their promises,
✔ Deteriorating relationships
✔ Causes of attachment
It will be easier to connect to.
However, the problem here is not “not being able to keep a promise” but “making irresponsible promises.”
💡 The important thing is not whether you should keep your promise, but how you make it.
Be careful of these men
✔ You make impulsive promises without planning ahead.
✔ Irregular and unpredictable days off mean I tend to break promises
On the other hand, the traits of a trustworthy man:
✔ When you can’t keep a promise, explain the reason, apologize, and offer an alternative.
💡 It’s important to not only consider whether or not to keep a promise, but also how to respond when you can’t keep it.
3. Speaking only on a whim
✔ What you say changes every time
✔ Attitude changes depending on mood
Of course, humans are subject to moods,
💡 Even if it’s an important topic for both of you, a man who speaks on impulse is likely to have a weak sense of responsibility for his words.
Be especially careful with statements like this:
✔ “I like it”
✔ “Let’s get married”
✔ “Breakup”
✔ “Let’s stay together forever”
✔ “Keep your distance”
If you date a man who says these relationship-defining words on impulse,
✔ Women “don’t know what to believe”
✔ You may be easily influenced and become obsessed.
💡 It is important to determine whether or not there is a sense of responsibility with words.
✔ Determine whether it is accompanied by stable behavior, not emotional momentum
✔ Make sure you are speaking consistently
4. Becoming colder or kinder
People who have a large range between coldness and kindness tend to act on their moods.
✔ He is kind when he is in a good mood, but suddenly becomes cold when something bad happens.
When work gets busy, your attitude changes drastically
Such men are likely to have difficulty controlling their emotions.
If you can cheer yourself up, that’s not a problem,
✔ Be careful of men who approach you in a bad mood.
💡 The important thing is not to take responsibility for the other person’s mood.
✔ You don’t have to assume that it’s your fault that the other person is in a bad mood
✔ There is no need to be so considerate and say kind words.
✔ Instead of guessing and acting, take a stance of “doing nothing”
It is important to remain calm and distance yourself from the other person without getting caught up in their emotional waves.
5. What you say is one thing
✔ Says “I want to see you” but doesn’t come to see you
✔ Says “Let’s go out for dinner again” but doesn’t invite
✔ Saying “Let’s live together” but not making any preparations
✔ Saying you’re “saving money for marriage” but continuing to waste money
A man who repeats such statements
💡 There is a high possibility that you are speaking without planning or determination, and are instead speaking on impulse or in the moment.
✔ Be careful of men who say, “I’ll make you happy” → Happiness is not something that is given to you, it’s something you build for yourself
✔ Be careful of men who say “I love you” but don’t lead the relationship
These men,
✔ “I’m planning to do it in the future,” “I’m too busy right now,” “I want to do it.”
They have a tendency to repeat excuses such as these, which only creates expectations.
💡 Relationships with people who lack verbal accountability are confusing and mentally exhausting.
✔ It is important to identify the discrepancy between words and actions and make the decision to leave early.
6. Blaming yourself
✔ Because you lack confidence, you try to prove yourself right by pointing out and blaming the other person’s words and actions.
✔ When you give them advice or point it out, they get angry or sulky
This type of man is
✔ They are highly regarded by others and may appear to be decent people, making it difficult to judge them.
✔ There are many cases where people change drastically after they start dating.
💡 It’s important not to overlook any discomfort.
✔ “I feel like I’m looking down on people somehow.”
✔ “Extreme thinking and lack of flexibility”
✔ “Trying to avoid deep conversations”
Also, this type of person tends to be gentle at first,
Women who are unable to accept such change tend to become obsessed, so you need to be careful.
7. They close the gap quickly
Be careful of men who quickly become close to you after meeting you and move straight into a relationship.
✔ You are creating an illusion for the simple reason that “they look like you”
✔ If someone becomes cold towards you after you start dating, it’s not because they’re bored, but because they never liked you in the first place.
When you receive a forceful approach, you tend to get excited and think, “He loves me so much!”
💡This is the mistake in the first place.
It’s important to maintain a distance that allows you to remain calm at all times, rather than adjusting to the other person’s pace.
✔ Be aware to maintain your own pace and not get carried away by momentary momentum.
8. They see you as a woman, but not as a person
✔ Only words related to appearance, such as “You’re cute,” “You’re pretty,” and “You have a nice figure”
✔ There is little mention of the inner workings of the character
Men like this tend to be kind before and right after they start dating, but gradually become colder.
💡 Because all he likes is “appearance”.
Of course, liking someone’s appearance alone won’t build a lasting relationship.
✔ If you want a truly long-lasting relationship, it’s important to determine whether or not you’re interested in the other person’s inner self.
✔ Check how much the other person understands and likes you from multiple perspectives
💡 By being conscious of whether your partner truly sees your inner self, you will be able to have a healthy relationship without attachment.
9. Don’t self-disclose
✔ They rarely talk about themselves
✔ I don’t know what they’re thinking and I feel confused
Such men are
💡 There is a high possibility that they are “hiding something” or “having something to feel guilty about,” making it difficult to trust them.
Of course, there are cases where it’s just a simple lack of communication.
✔ If you bring up the topic several times but the other person avoids it, it means they have no intention of facing you.
💡 It’s important to determine whether the other person is truly trying to face you.
✔ Ask questions and see if a conversation can go smoothly
✔ If they still don’t talk to you, assume they are not willing to face you and reassess your relationship.
To prevent attachment, it is important to choose relationships you can trust.
10. They never listen
People who don’t self-disclose are a problem, but people who never listen to what the other person has to say are also dangerous.
✔ A man who interrupts you without permission is not interested in facing you and is only thinking about himself.
There are several reasons why people don’t want to listen
💡 Reasons for not listening 👇
1️⃣ They’re not interested in you (they don’t care who they talk to)
2️⃣ Lack of communication skills to draw out the other person’s story
3️⃣ I’m unsure whether it’s okay to listen to what they have to say
✔ In case 1️⃣, you should decide that there is no point in getting involved and leave.
✔ In the case of 2️⃣, you need to understand the other person’s lack of skills and take the lead in the conversation.
✔ In case 3️⃣, tell them, “I’m happy if you ask me questions even about small things,” and create a comfortable environment.
💡 Listening is an important element that shows the other person’s composure, consideration, and intelligence.
By determining how the other person listens, you will be able to determine whether or not the relationship is suitable.
11. Extreme mood swings
✔ Frequent emotions other than joy, such as sadness, anger, anxiety, impatience, etc.
✔ Women with high empathy are more susceptible to the emotions of others, which increases their mental burden.
💡 When choosing a partner, it is important to base your decision on “peace.”
✔ If you base your life on excitement and fun, you will be easily swayed by the waves of your emotions.
✔ “Healing the other person’s heart” is not your role
💡 If you want to “heal the other person,” you need strong mental strength and great resolve.
However, if it is becoming a burden to you, you should calmly reconsider your relationship.
12. Only using alternative kindnesses
✔ Women want kindness from men, but it is important to determine the “quality of kindness”
✔ Beware of “low-cost kindness” 👇
- Walk on the road side
- “Isn’t it cold?” I ask.
- Worry about the empty glass
These acts are generic acts of kindness that can be used by anyone and are not directed at any particular person.
💡 The important thing is to consider, “Is there any kindness that cannot be replaced?”👇
✔ Be interested in the other person’s inner self
✔ Be there for them when they are in trouble
✔ Communicate the unique qualities of the other person
✔ Communicate in a way that gets the message across
✔ Don’t do things that the other person dislikes
✔ Don’t lie, be honest
✔ Thank others for what they do and don’t do
💡 These are the kinds of kindnesses that can only come from truly looking at the other person.
Men who become increasingly obsessed tend to show more “generalized kindness” but less “essential kindness.”
✔ It is important to see the true nature of others and not be fooled by superficial kindness.
12. Constant replies to messages
Many women are attracted to men who reply to their messages frequently.
A man who replies extremely quickly may simply be lonely.
💡 What’s important isn’t the speed of the reply, but how much sincerity and consideration is shown in the content of the message.
✔ Even if the reply is quick, if the content is sloppy, it cannot be considered sincere behavior.
✔ If you are too concerned with quick response times, you will become dependent on your smartphone and it will take away your time.
How to not get attached👇
💡 It is important to limit communication to the bare minimum and value your own time.
Men who are bad at keeping in touch aren’t necessarily a no-no
✔ Women often don’t like men who are bad at keeping in touch, but there are some honest men who are bad at keeping in touch.
✔ However, if he doesn’t contact you for more than a week, doesn’t reply to important messages, or can’t arrange a date, that’s a problem.
💡 Men who are not good at keeping in touch “value their own time,” so they tend to respect the other person’s time as well.
✔ They tend to find it difficult to cheat because they find the complicated process of cheating troublesome.
On the other hand, men who are good at keeping in touch are 👇
✔ High multitasking ability as they do not mind contacting multiple people
✔ As a result, you may be more likely to cheat.
💡 It’s important to judge how sincere the other person is, rather than the frequency of contact.
The conditions for a woman who has an eye for men: Tips for becoming good at judging them ①
1. Having time to spare
If you don’t have enough time, you will be so preoccupied with your own concerns that you won’t have time to properly observe the other person.
So, what exactly is “room to spare”?
✔ A state of deep self-understanding and high spiritual fulfillment
✔ Understands what you want and don’t want to do, and what you want others to do and don’t want others to do to you
✔ You can communicate calmly based on your own will.
💡 Mentally fulfilling👇
✔ You will no longer seek excessively to be entertained, loved, or understood.
✔ Be able to act calmly without letting personal feelings get in the way
2. Being able to ask questions—a skill that develops your ability to see
💡 “Having an eye” = Being able to draw out a lot of information about the other person.
✔ “Lack of judgement” = Having few evidence to base one’s judgment on and lacking information about the other person.
Also, the other person may be trying to make themselves look good, so if you are unable to ask questions you will only be able to know the “part of them that they want to show you.”
Sample questions to ask (to help you understand the other person’s values and priorities)
✅ “What is important to you?”
✅ “What are you obsessed with right now?”
✅ “If you had a week off, how would you like to spend it?”
Questions to learn about communication 👇
What do you pay attention to when talking to people?
What do you do when you have a disagreement with someone?
Questions about love and marriage 👇
✅ “Why did you decide to meet me?”
✅ “What do you like about me?”
✅ “What do you think about marriage?”
💡 If the other person is trying to seriously engage with you, they will try hard to put it into words.
✔ People who are looking for fun or are not serious tend to be more evasive or use generalized language.
Questions to measure self-understanding👇
What do you think are your weaknesses and shortcomings?
✅ “What would you hate if someone did something to you?”
💡 People who are aware of what they dislike know how to deal with it and are more likely to build stable relationships.
3. They are mature and capable of doing many things.
✔ By knowing what you can do, you can develop an eye for others.
✔ People who use polite language are more likely to notice other people’s rude language
✔ People who can speak logically are more likely to notice contradictions in the other person’s conversation
For example 👇
💡 Women who say, “My boyfriend can’t discuss things,” may actually be bad at discussions themselves.
✔ If you are good at discussing things, you will realize before you start dating that he is a man who cannot discuss things.
💡 The more we mature as people and the more we are able to do, the more our “eyes for seeing” will naturally be developed.
✔ If you have few things to offer, it becomes difficult to assess the other person.
✔ By improving your skills, you will be able to assess others more accurately.
4. Remove illusions and see the other person from many different perspectives
“I have no eyes to see”A state where you have no intention of even looking at the other person in the first placeis.
In other words, the cause is that we are unable to face reality and only see what we want to see and believe.
✔ It is important to discard excessive expectations of men and understand them realistically
✔ Rather than idealizing the other person, adopt a calm and objective attitude
To do this:
💡 Get away from the “idealized male image” of girls’ manga and dramas and read works that depict realistic male images.
💡 By using a dating app, you can interact with a variety of men and break down the biased illusions you have.
It is important to have a “perspective to see the other person”
If you keep the following points in mind, you will be able to make high-resolution decisions.
Is the distance appropriate?
✅ Is your language and choice of words tasteful?
✅ Do they listen to you until the end without interrupting? Do they ask questions?
✅ Are there any denials, lies or condescending attitudes?
✅ Are you seriously facing your life and not running away from inconvenient things?
Do you treat others with respect?
✅ Are you open to different ideas and values?
✅ Do your words and actions match?
Are you self-disclosing?
✅ Do they have courtesy, manners and delicacy?
Can you control your emotions?
✅ Do you express or show gratitude?
Do you know your weaknesses and weaknesses?
✅ Are you making promises that are unlikely to be fulfilled?
✅ Do you understand and take responsibility for the impact of your actions and words?
By observing others with this perspective in mind, you can avoid making the wrong choice of partner.
It is also important to reflect on yourself based on this standard.
💡 The more one is able to do something, the more likely one is to notice the shortcomings of others.
✔ The more you grow, the more perspectives you will have and the more naturally you will be able to “choose the right partner.”
Examining works with a lot of psychological description: Tips for becoming good at reading them②
People with a good eye for people tend to be exposed to works that contain detailed psychological descriptions and delve into the complexities and psychology of human beings.
Through movies, dramas, and novels, observe the words and actions of the characters,
✔ Why did this person say this?
✔ “What are the principles and characteristics of this person?”
By using your imagination and thinking about it in your own way, you will gain a deeper understanding of human beings.
The following method is also effective:
✔ Read online reviews → Learn other people’s perspectives and broaden your observation skills
✔ Share your thoughts with friends → Exposure to different values expands your perspective
I also recommend watching a dating reality show.
✔ Verify how accurate your first impressions of the performers were later on → Gain the ability to see through the true nature of others on your first meeting
✔ Observe performers who are good at building relationships and learn about communication
💡 The ability to discern is developed through experience.
Having diverse perspectives allows you to judge the other person’s true nature and build healthy relationships without attachment.
Understand why we overlook something strange ~Point 3 to become good at identifying strange things~
“When something feels off, it’s usually correct,” and “You should never overlook something that feels off” — this is something that many people recognize.
However, women with poor judgment tend to cover up something that seems off, even if they notice it.
✔ **”I have a bad feeling about this”** but I pretend not to notice.
✔ As a result, you will look back and regret it, thinking, “That feeling of unease was right after all.”
So why do people overlook discomfort?
Main reasons why we overlook discomfort:
✅ Love has become the goal
✅ I make love the center of my self-worth
✅ Seeking salvation in love
✅ By falling in love, you are avoiding confronting yourself
In short, romance is given an excessively high priority.
✔ Even though you know it’s better to trust what you feel is off, you may overlook it if it’s a high priority.
✔ “It’s easier not to worry about it” → You just let it go and regret it later.
How to lower the priority of romance?
💡 It’s important to create a lifestyle that you’re happy with.
💡 Find something you’re passionate about outside of romance.
💡 Increase the number of things that make you love yourself.
When love becomes the center of your life, it’s easy to overlook things that don’t feel right.
The key to avoiding obsession is to be conscious of “living a life that is not dependent solely on romance.”