Chapter 1: Dependence, escapism, victim mentality… Many people who have trouble in love think, “Maybe it’s obsession.”

1. I know it’s better to leave, but I can’t

This is one of the most common concerns we hear when discussing love.
In love, Reason and emotion, desire and reason are not in agreement This is often the case.

In my head I think, “I need to get out of this relationship. “Even though I know that, my emotions “I don’t want to leave!” and resists, resulting in conflict…
And in this inner conflict Emotions often win and manifest as strong attachments.

The cause of obsession is the belief that “romantic feelings should be valued”

“Romantic feelings must be treasured.”
This underlying mindset is what keeps many people from breaking free from their attachments.

Of course, emotions such as joy and sadness are important.
but, The feeling of not wanting to be apart is nothing more than a selfish desire and an attachment that should be let go. That’s it.

When we dig deep into our true feelings, we find deep feelings of pain, suffering, and sadness. You will probably hear someone say this.
But when you are attached Because you have less mental space and your perspective becomes narrow, it becomes difficult to notice these important feelings**.

To regain a calm mind

• First, remove the noise of everyday life and secure the time and space to think calmly.
• It can also be effective to get support from a counselor who will listen to you from an objective standpoint.

When you are mentally exhausted or in a bind I can’t make the right decision。
First, IA calm environment Getting your mind in order is the first step to being free from attachment.

2. “The time I’ve spent has been a waste” – I can’t let go of my attachments

This emotion is deeply connected to the psychology of “wanting to leave but being unable to.”

In my head I think, “This relationship needs to end. “Even though I know that, somewhere in my heart” I don’t want to waste the time and effort I’ve put into him.”** As a result, they are unable to end the relationship at the right time and end up dragging it on.

But the important thing here is, What she is really attached to is not him, but the time she has spent and the self that has maintained that time. That is it.

The risks of not letting go of attachments

Continuing in a relationship where you are not valued is It puts a lot of strain on your own mind.
There is a chance that you could be happier, but your attachment to the past is preventing that from happening…

To avoid falling into this negative loop, it’s important to think like this:
💬 “I shouldn’t waste any more time or energy on someone who doesn’t value me.”

How you live your future is more important than how you live your past!
By not being tied down to the past and looking to the future, you can find new happiness.

3. You end up doing things that your partner dislikes — problems caused by obsession

Sometimes, without realizing it, we may do things that make the other person feel uncomfortable.

for example,

• Sending multiple messages without receiving a reply
• to restrict freedom
• Monitor the other person’s social media

These actions are: A sign of attachment and failure to respect the other person’s feelings It can also be said that…
If that’s what the other person wants, there’s no problem. If you continue despite the negative reaction, it will damage your relationship. It will be.

If you care about the other person, it is important to change your behavior

If you really want to care for someone, Change your behavior the moment you sense “signs of dislike” is important.

When we are consumed by anxiety or desire, we tend to ignore the other person’s reaction. Continue to act selfishlyThere are times when this happens.

But if you’re worried,
💬 Talk directly to them
💬 Finding healthy solutions

This approach is more conducive to building successful relationships in the long term.
It is not a unilateral action, Considerate communication By keeping this in mind, you can maintain a comfortable relationship with each other.

4. A relationship without respect leads to obsession

In love, Not being able to respect others It becomes easy for it to end up being just a desire.
If the feeling of “love” Just an illusion of sexual desire If so, your attachments will tend to get stronger.

When respect is lacking, people gradually start to think negatively, thinking things like, “His way of thinking is strange,” or “His behavior is not normal.”
I can’t accept the other person’s words and actions honestly, Irritability and anger will increase.
As a result, romance turns into an obsession.

Choose someone you can respect for a healthy relationship

Not just love, but also respect for the other person. RespectWhether there is
This is a key factor in maintaining a long-term romantic relationship.

If you are in love with someone you respect,

• Instead of rejecting others, try to understand their differences
• Accept other people’s opinions and discuss calmly
• Love becomes a sense of security, not obsession

In other words, A relationship of respect is the foundation of a stable relationship It becomes.

5. Untrustworthy relationships lead to increased attachment

If you continue to date someone without being able to trust them, It’s easier to stick to the status quo It is something.
If you maintain a relationship while harboring distrust, I feel bad for myself and I lose confidence in myself Sometimes that happens.

As a result, not only will the relationship last longer,

• I can’t make the decision to break up
• I’m not confident in my choices
• The relationship will deteriorate further

This can easily lead to a vicious cycle.

Distrustful relationships lead to explosive frustration

When you can’t trust the other person, I can’t express my feelings honestly Therefore,
Small frustrations pile up, One day, it suddenly explodes. That too…

If this situation continues, love will Obsession, not love Changed to,
This will further lead to a deterioration of the relationship.

Building healthy relationships

Continuing a relationship without trust is Only torment yourself is.
That’s why it’s important to keep the following in mind:

💡 Is this relationship really what makes me happy?
💡 “Are you communicating well with others?”
💡 Have you built a trusting relationship?

If you’re not confident about these, start by Make an effort to build trust、
or Deciding to reassess the relationship That is the first step to happiness.

6. My mental health has worsened since we started dating

Since we started dating, I’ve noticed that I smile less and feel more depressed.
If you find yourself getting irritated easily by the small things your partner says or does, Signs of obsession Maybe.

In a relationship where obsession is strong, My mental health is definitely worsening I will.
Worrying in itself is not a problem because it is a process of searching for an answer.

However, the deterioration of mental SOS from the body is.
This is a sign that the status quo needs to change.

That’s why you shouldn’t justify it by saying, “I love you, so it’s okay for me to suffer.”
It is important to calmly judge that “this may be an attachment. I should let it go.”

7. You believe that there is no one else for you

Everyone has had the feeling that “this person is the one.”
But over time, it fantasy Often you realize that it was.

When we are in a state of attachment, this illusion It’s hard to admit that you’re obsessed It will be.
Because admitting it feels like “denying my entire romantic feelings.”

In fact, romantic feelings are just a brain function that makes us believe we like something. It is one of them.
Especially if you think “he’s the only one”
My perspective is narrowed, and if he dumps me, It is easy to fall into strong anxiety and fear that “I’m finished.”

If you justify love with fatalism,
It is important to take a moment to consider whether this is an obsession.

8. You can no longer show gratitude to others

If you are obsessed, My own demands for things to be done became stronger.
You become unable to recognize the kindness and generosity of others This happens more often.

As a result, Frustration is building death, Gratitude fades…。

Look back on your everyday conversations and messages.
💬 How often do you use expressions of gratitude such as “thank you”?

✔ If you use it often, you are less attached to it.
✔ If there are few, it is likely that you are not noticing the good points of the other person.

Instead of only looking at what you want to be done,
What the other person is doing or, Make it possible to notice things even if you haven’t done them in the first place So,
You can build a healthy relationship.

9. Feeling depressed when you hear about other people’s love lives

I get depressed every time I hear about other people’s love lives or see happy couples on social media…
this is, Comparing your love life to other people’s This is the cause.

For example, are you struggling with these thoughts?
✔ Other people seem happy, I feel unhappy
✔ My lover, I don’t think I’m as attractive as other people’s lovers
✔ I worry that something is wrong with my relationship.
✔ I feel anxious about not being in love (not having a partner)

The comparison itself is Opportunity to objectively reexamine one’s current situation It will be.
But if the attachment is strong, Values ​​are easily distorted by the influence of social media Therefore,
Be careful not to make unnecessary comparisons with others.

Love is, Not influenced by the opinions of others or the media.、
The most important thing is “how you feel” and “whether you can feel happy” is.

Daily Gratitude Or, the usual Conversation content By looking back at
You can maintain your mental health.

10. I think, “I want people to only look at me.”

The feeling of “I want you to look only at me”
The other person’s life Limiting and exclusive thinking leads to.

Everyone A certain degree of possessiveness I have it.
But the important thing is, The key is not to eliminate possessiveness completely, but to express it appropriately.。

Because humans Not just influenced by your lover、
Family, friends, work, hobbies, social media interactions, and even favorite etc.
Because it is made up of a variety of elements.

In this way, people Growing through interactions with others and society thing.
Unable to control possessiveness, Denying the other person’s relationships is
The act of denying the other person’s personality or values It could also lead to…

Being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to control your partner’s social interactions.
I understand your feelings of anxiety, but by expressing them The possibility of losing the other person’s heart There is also.

you To be able to grow through relationships with many people、
The opponent also Being enriched through connections with others——
Don’t forget that point, It is important to respect each other.

11. All I can think about is my partner

Time to think about your lover If it fills your heart, there’s no problem.
but,
✔ Before I knew it, I was constantly thinking about my lover and it was painful
✔ Even when it’s not the right time to think about it, it just keeps coming to mind

If this situation continues, High probability of attachment Maybe.

The important thing is, Are these emotions connected to happiness or born of anxiety? Distinguish between the following:

for example,
✅ “Yesterday’s date was fun!” (Positive)
❌ “What is he really thinking?” (obsession)
❌ “I can’t forgive what he said and did!” (Obsession)

“Will thinking about it make the situation better?”
By having this perspective, you can break free from unconscious attachments,
You can build a healthier relationship.

12 “I want to know what he really thinks” – Being tossed around by the pursuit of the truth

“Does he really like me?”
“What did you really mean by that statement?”

There are people who have questions like these, but are unable to ask directly and continue to think about them endlessly.
To understand his psychology, you may search online or ask friends and family for advice.

But the answer to these questions isThe subjective opinion of the person consultingAnd it’s not necessarily convincing.
Because,Not his personal opinion, but a general opinion.Because it is nothing more than that.

Why can’t you ask him directly?

The essence of the problem is simply that you can’t ask him directly.

• In the first place, we have not built a relationship where we can exchange opinions.
• We haven’t reached a point where we can ask each other questions.
• “I don’t know much about him unless I ask him directly.”

For example, if you ask him, “Do you really love me?”, will you feel reassured if he answers, “Yes?”
Probably it’s not that simple.

What you can’t see when you fixate on whether you are loved

If you are only concerned with what you “want” to be done, you will not be able to see his love for you.

• HeWhat they can do for youWithout even realizing it,
• HeThings they don’t doWithout even realizing it,
• Even though they are actually being treated roughly, they continue to seek the words “I love you” in order to turn a blind eye to that reality.

Either way, the important thing isObserve him closely and communicate with him regularly.。
If you don’t have that kind of leeway, you will end up being overwhelmed by these doubts.

13. Believing that “Even though I’m like this, I also have good points”

People who are obsessed often defend their partner, even when those around them oppose it, by saying, “He can be harsh sometimes, but he also has a kind side.”

However, upon hearing the details,
✔ Being denied his/her personality
✔ Being subjected to violence
✔ Being mentally cornered

There are many cases like this.

this isIt’s never something to be forgiven、
If you accept it, the other person’s abusive language and violence willescalateIt will continue to do so.

Even if there are good parts,The bad parts can’t be erased。
Nobody is perfect, but when you listen to the stories of women who are trapped in their obsessions;
The “good points” are irreplaceableSerious issuesThey often have these problems.

for example, It would be weird if someone said, “I’ll give you money, so let me hit you.” You will feel this way.
But those who are obsessed Similar structural relationships You may find yourself falling into this trap.

Repeating self-deprecating words like, “I have my faults too,”
I find myself increasingly forgiving the other person’s terrible words and actions…

✔ “Someday it will change”
✔ “If you persevere, you will be happy”

I had such an illusion,If you realize it, your heart will go numbThat is it.
And as they continue to be treated unfairly,Get used to being unhappy、
EventuallyA robot-like human who can’t even feel emotionsIt becomes.

At this point, there’s nothing that can be done.
Before it gets to that point, it’s important to realize that this is an attachment and get away from it as soon as possible.

14. You believe you can’t live without him

“I can’t live without him” – this is Obsession and dependency This is a typical example.

In the first place, people live by relying on others,
theDependence on only one person and no control over that personcase,
The suffering will increase instantly.

In other words,Dependence on one person is dangerousThat’s it.

✔ “I can’t live without him” is an illusion.
✔ I can survive without him.
✔ In fact, you have lived through periods without him.

As the attachment deepens,Impaired judgmentdeath,
“I’m nothing without him…”Dangerous thinkingIt is easy to fall into this trap.

But that’s not true.
Finding your own way in life is what leads to true happiness.

15. I feel like a victim

If you have an attachment,“It’s your fault that this happened.” “It’s his fault for not contacting me.”
This leads to a stronger sense of victimization.

Deep inside this psychology,
✔ Self-defense: “I want to believe I’m not to blame”
✔ The desire for recognition: “I want people to acknowledge that I’m pitiful”

is hidden.

And as the victim mentality grows,
✔ Repeatedly reliving past events and feeling a desire for revenge
✔ Strengthens memories of being treated unfairly and deepens resentment

As a result, more and moreAggressive personalityAnd before you know it,Transforming from victim to perpetratorThat too…

If you ever feel like a victim, it is important to first calmly look at the situation and ask yourself, “Is this just an obsession?”

✔ “Is it really all the other person’s fault?”
✔ “What will change if I have a victim mentality?”

Ask yourself these questions,Efforts to let go of attachmentBy doing so,
You can regain your freedom of mind.

16. You believe that if you work hard, you will be rewarded.

“If you put in the effort, people will turn to you”–This way of thinking is dangerous.

“Working hard” and “the other person responding”Another problem。
If you don’t think about it separately, you will continue to have expectations, thinking, “I’m trying so hard…”
When things don’t go as planned, anxiety grows and turns into obsession.

✔ No matter how hard you try, there is some love that will never be rewarded.
✔ This is not a “can’t be helped” problem, but a “problem that doesn’t fit” problem.

For each person,Timing and preference of meetingThere is.
No matter how appropriate the approach,There are people who can’t communicateI will.

However, on the other hand,There are some loves that will come true naturally without you having to try.Please don’t forget that.

17. Being influenced by the other person’s pace

At first I didn’t think anything of it,
The other person approached me forcefully and before I knew it, I had fallen in love with him.——
This pattern of love isIt’s easy to become attachedis.

Because a forceful approach
✔ I mistakenly thought that it was because he had strong feelings for me.
✔ It depends on the feeling of being accepted, not on whether you like it or not.from.

For example, if you are asked, “What do you like about him?” and you can’t answer well,
It’s likely that you are just clinging to a **desire for approval through a forceful approach**.

A love relationship where the other person sets their own pace = a love relationship where you lose your own pace.
In love,You should always keep to your own pageis.

18. Leaving the decision to break up up to your partner

Among the men,Someone who continues a relationship even though their feelings have cooledThere are.
There are four main reasons for this:

1️⃣ I don’t want to be the bad guy
2️⃣ Breaking up is a hassle
3️⃣ I don’t want to give it up because it’s so easy
4️⃣ I want to be with her as a “stopgap” until I find my next girlfriend

In other words, Continuing to date = love This is not necessarily the case.
✔ “Since we’re dating, he must like me”
✔ “If his feelings have cooled, he’ll definitely shake you off.”

This way of thinking is,Often not applicableThat is it.

What’s important is 👇
💡 Not “what he thinks of me” but “how he treats me”.
💡 “How do I feel about him and what do I want to do with him?”

✔ Even if you try to find out what he’s thinking, you won’t get a clear answer.
✔ But I can clearly see how he treats me.

youIf you are suffering, that is the best answeris.

Also,Leaving the decision to break up up to your partner creates a negative cycle that is difficult to escapeIt’s easy to fall into this trap 👇
✔ Time passes without a decision being made
✔ I’m disgusted with myself for not being able to break up
✔ Your self-esteem will decrease, making it even harder to break up

You are the one who drives your life.
“When I break up, I have to be the one to do it” – it’s important to have a strong will and not leave the decision up to the other person.

After all, what does it mean to “like” something?

Like “obsession,” the word “love” is abstract and difficult to define in one word.
If love is something that can last and is healthy, then a relationship that meets the following criteria can be called “true love” 👇

✔ I want to see the other person’s smile
✔ Your catchphrases will be picked up unconsciously
✔ I don’t want to make the other person sad
✔ Empathize with the other person’s grief and share their pain
✔ Feel the other person’s joy as your own
✔ I want to be influenced positively by others
✔ Relationships based on security, respect and trust
✔ I want the other person to be free
✔ I want to make lots of memories together
✔ I like being with my partner
✔ Through interactions with others, you can learn more about yourself and grow.
✔ I want to share beautiful scenery, delicious food, and interesting works

How you define “love” determines your happiness in love

The important thing is to have the perspective of “what you want to like.”
In other words, think about “What kind of love will lead to a happy relationship for me?”

If you equate anxiety and obsession with “love,” then love will become painful.
However, if you consider the elements listed above to be what you “like,” then your love will be warm and happy.

What you “like” is up to you.
To have a happy relationship, you must decide for yourself what you like.