Chapter 3: In the end, love changes

040 “Maybe I don’t like you anymore” means I don’t like you anymore

When you no longer know whether you love your partner or not, in most cases, it is evidence that you no longer really love them. Even if you change your mind during the break-up conversation and decide that you still love them, your new love is likely to be different from the one you had before.

For example, when you feel that you no longer need a certain piece of stationery that you’ve been using for a long time, your attachment to that stationery has already faded. Similarly, there are people who keep saying, “Maybe I still love you,” about their partner, but don’t want to admit it. They may be running away from the reality that they “may no longer love you.”

You need to face reality and be honest with yourself, even if it means your partner will dislike you. If you break up for your own convenience, you will be seen as the “bad guy” in their eyes. It is important to live each day responsibly.

041 The truth behind the suggestive

You won’t flirt with your true love. If you really like someone, you’ll naturally fear the risk that they’ll end up with someone else. Even if you feel that someone likes you, if you see the possibility of being hurt in the future, you’ll become very cautious. Have you ever wasted time worrying excessively about choosing just one piece of clothing, thinking, “This might look weird,” or “What if they don’t like me?”

I don’t think I need to say this, but I’ll say it just in case. If you’re not serious about someone, flirting will come out. When you flirt with someone you don’t feel any sincerity for, it’s often just a way to trick them into having fun… well, I think that’s the case in most cases.

They say love is a battle, so why not take a straightforward approach from the beginning? Don’t you feel that love can’t go well if you don’t show consideration for each other? Even if you do get together, you wonder if you’ll be truly happy.

Well, you may feel happy for a moment. But I wonder how far you are willing to go for that moment. If you are harboring a faint hope, first realize that you are not his true love. Then, ask yourself if your feelings have changed from “like” to “obsession.”

042 Being played is the ultimate win-win

Love is based on each person’s morals. If there are no rules, it’s only natural that there will be people who disrupt the relationship. The “played with” and “not the one” people that society calls are just a result of this. However, they are by no means victims.

Haven’t you been living in a fantasy world, thinking, “Maybe we could go out together,” or “What if we could become lovers…?” Even though you had a vague feeling that you were being played, if you really wanted to get out, you could have always left him. You could have blocked him from all social media (or asked a friend to do it for you), or cut him off yourself. There was no need to do anything particularly difficult, so why couldn’t you do it? On the other hand, as a result of not cutting him off of your own volition, you are now in a situation where it is no exaggeration to say that you were “just being played.” So why do you think of yourself as a victim?

When people complain about being played, they start making excuses like, “But I don’t want to give up…” or “I’m sure there will never be another person I can love this much again.” However, while they are saying this, they are just repeating the same thing. As you probably know, there is no benefit to doing this.

There is also the problem of thinking like this:

・”Even if he flirts with me, I still like him and want to be with him.”

・”I’m scared of losing the environment where we can be together”

“I want to postpone the inevitable future in which I will be hurt.”

Instead, you need to change your thinking to the following:

・”I can’t date you anyway”

“Favors aren’t always returned”

・”It’s better to cut it quickly”

By starting to think like this, you will be able to look at the situation objectively. The damage will be smaller if you think “I’ll give it a try, even if it doesn’t work,” but I have to say that trying to push through hopes that you’ve almost crushed, even if it doesn’t work, is too bold. Think back to the story of “Pinocchio” that you read as a child. He was just being tricked by a sly fox.

043 The enemy is not that big

Being confused by the words and actions of the person you are interested in, or getting excited when you receive a message that makes you smile, is just a part of poor bargaining or just a contrary behavior. It is better not to take it seriously and not get caught up in it. Rather, when such messages are sent, it means that the other person’s drawers are limited.

People who flirt may seem to be good at bargaining, but in reality, they often have irregular patterns that are not bound by the other person’s expectations. In other words, it is effective to respond in a contrarian way. For example, if you feel like answering a phone call late at night, you can choose not to answer, significantly delay your reply to messages, or ignore them for two days if they send you a message saying “You’re cute (lol).”

Of course, you will be confused if your way of doing things doesn’t work, but if you can make the other person lose confidence, you will be the one being pursued, and you will be able to advance your relationship to your advantage. First of all, it is important to clearly see that the other person is a person who is bad at bargaining.

If you don’t believe, you won’t be deceived

Flirty behavior starts with the intention of toying with the other person’s feelings. If you like the person, it should be enough to confess more directly. If you throw your pure feelings at such a dark scheme, it will not work in the end. In order to get what you want, you need to be prepared to get a little dirty sometimes. Love, or rather interpersonal relationships, are not always beautiful. Not everyone is conveniently liked by the other person, and in fact, there are many people who frequently exchange messages with people they don’t really like.

044　The truth about your ex-girlfriend that you should know

Although the title is a bit exaggerated, I’m sure it’s the perfect topic for you to talk about your nemesis. In conclusion, ex-girlfriends are an “inseparable part of you.” To explain in more detail, I think ex-girlfriends can be divided into the following three types.

1. To be honest, I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend.
2. My ex-girlfriend is still stuck in my head
3. My ex-girlfriend is no longer with me in many ways.

If you have an ex-girlfriend (type ①)

Needless to say, you should never date these ex-girlfriends. They are like a time bomb that you never know when or where they will turn their attention to you. For example, they are likely to say things that they would never say to a lover, such as “I still can’t forget my ex-girlfriend” or “I happened to see her and thought, ‘I have to go.’” In other words, it is unlikely that they will ever face you with their whole heart.

② If you have an ex-girlfriend

This is also quite dangerous. I think it is difficult to completely get over it. There may be a period of time from a few months to a few years where you can get over it temporarily, but if you happen to meet again on some occasion, those feelings will waver. At the very least, the possibility of it rekindling somewhere in your heart cannot be denied. If you were once a great match, you may see the rekindling as an opportunity. Even if you have a new partner, it is possible that you will dare to approach your ex-girlfriend again (although this is ethically questionable). However, unfortunately, the most common pattern is ②, where the ex-girlfriend is still in your mind for some reason. Although it is a little different from ①, where you have regrets, in the end, the existence of an ex-girlfriend is nothing more than an encounter-style time bomb. If you are dating a partner who tends to be obsessed with such ex-girlfriends, you may not be able to bear it if something happens between you and your partner, so I recommend that you shift to a more distant relationship for your own protection.

If you have an ex-girlfriend (3)

Strangely enough, even if you meet an ex-girlfriend who looks similar to you in face or aura, you may not have any regrets. It would be ideal if all of your partner’s ex-girlfriends fit this ③ category. However, the chances of such a case may be as low as getting three jokers in your first hand in the card game Daifugō.

What you can do

• If you have an ex-girlfriend like ①:In the first place, it is wise not to get involved with people who have ex-girlfriends like this, as it is a high risk.
• In case ②:Either you hope that all of the ex-girlfriends of the person you like are type ③, or if there is a possibility that they are type ②, you should build a relationship without getting too involved.
• orYou have three choices: pretend you didn’t know anything about his ex-girlfriend and go ahead and enjoy the romance, or bravely face the danger.

Whatever choice you make, it’s important to avoid unnecessary risks for yourself and move your relationship forward in a healthier way.

045 How to date someone you like

I won’t say it explicitly, but a person’s true self (their true self) is not necessarily desirable. So how can you get the person you love to accept you as you are (or, more accurately, impose that on them)?

In my opinion, the quickest way is to give someone your true self, but in some way camouflaged so that the contents cannot be seen. To give a concrete example, think of a shortcake that has a short shelf life and loses its shape over time. If you were to give someone a shortcake that has lost its shape after more than two hours, any sensible person would feel uncomfortable, and the other person would try to talk you out of accepting it. If they don’t accept it, it means you can’t get along with them = the relationship won’t work. It’s fine to force it on them, but ideally, you want them to accept it comfortably.

By the way, considering that the shortcake itself will fall apart in every sense, you should absolutely avoid showing it as it is. That’s why you need a “box” and a “paper bag” to hide the cake. First, choose a pretty box and wrap it with an appropriate ribbon. In addition, if you prepare a paper bag, it will be easier to take it home.

Packaging method to suit the recipient

・If the other person is a high-end personIf the person likes brand-name items, they will be happy if you give the gift in a flashy box and ribbon, and in a paper bag from a famous store.

・For people who like simple thingsIf the person prefers simple things, it would be best to give the gift in a plain white box, decorated with a ribbon in their favorite color, and placed in a suitable sized paper bag.

Basically, it’s best to make it attractive so that the other person will want to pick it up themselves.

Creating a character that matches your opponent

-Adjust your clothing, hairstyle, language, hobbies, etc. to suit the other person, and -Create an environment where it is easy for the other person to receive.

Ideally, you can do these three things secretly without the other person realizing. If you want someone to like you, you need to not reveal too much about yourself, and you need to put on a certain amount of drama. It is best to wait until a certain amount of time has passed since you started dating, when the other person starts to feel that “it’s hard to let this girl go now” before they can accept you as you really are. No matter how many flowery words you use, it’s meaningless if the relationship isn’t solidified. Your goal should be to get to that point.

Things to note

If someone around you finds out who you are, they might think, “Wow… they’re just trying to give you a messy shortcake in a pretty box…” If you get told on, all your hard work and careful planning will go to waste. It’s not uncommon for the person who tells on you to end up dating someone you like later on. In order to avoid such a bad ending, it’s best not to show your true self to someone carelessly.

From here on, I will talk about what kind of character you should create, depending on whether your partner is younger or older.

046　Strategy for conquering younger men

It is important to create a character that is “an older person who does not behave like a senior, but who draws a clear line.” Even if you are friendly and sometimes speak in a casual manner, it is important to avoid the flat distance between classmates and to give the impression that you are “one step ahead,” that is, someone who is respected by the other person.

It may seem difficult, but it’s actually quite easy. Just keep the following seven points in mind.

1. Make the groove betterTry to keep your conversation bright and rhythmic, and make yourself approachable.
2. Basically, speak politelyIt’s okay to use casual language occasionally, but the basis is to use honorific language to maintain the impression that you are in a superior position.
3. If there is something you dislike or cannot tolerate, say so clearly.Don’t just ignore things that make you uncomfortable, but express your opinion clearly.
4. When inviting someone out, only do so if you really want toIt’s important to invite the other person at a natural time, rather than forcing them to come.
5. When the other person tries to meet you, you sometimes make up excuses to decline.This creates a psychological state in which the other person feels like they are the one being chased.
6. Make it clear where you draw the line: up to here is OK, and beyond that is not OKHelp the other person understand your standards by clarifying what is and is not acceptable.
7. No matter what happens, I won’t be swept awayIt is important to show the strength to stand your ground and not be swayed by others.

By simply following these seven settings, you can create a very advantageous situation.It is important to “not put yourself down” and “behave as a good elder”Especially when dealing with younger people, if you can do points ② and ⑤, you will not be looked down upon by them, so make sure you can act out at least these two points perfectly.

047　Strategy for those who are older than you

If the other person is older, a safe character setting is as follows:

1. Make the groove betterBe cheerful and approachable.
2. Although he occasionally uses casual language, he generally speaks politely.Impress the other person with your superior position.
3. If someone points out something you don’t like or that you’re not good at, accept it honestly.By showing a passive attitude, you make the other person feel that you are open to their opinions.
4. When inviting someone out, do it only when you really want to.Approach with clear timing and without wavering in your will.
5. When the other person tries to meet me, I sometimes make up excuses to decline.This creates the impression that you are the one being pursued.
6. Up to this point it’s OK. From that point on, the line between OK and NG must be clearly drawn.Make it clear what is and is not acceptable, and do not allow the other party to disrupt your initiative.
7. No matter what happens, I won’t be swept awayStand firm in your beliefs and positions, and remain unwavering in your attitude.

These are very similar to the “ways to win over younger men” we introduced earlier, but the key points are subtly different. Specifically, the positions of ② are reversed, and ③ takes a passive role, but the basic points to remember remain the same. In other words, “don’t put yourself down” and “be a good older man.”

The character to aim for is “someone who, although younger, can have a natural conversation without making the age difference obvious in a good way, who has a strong sense of self, is mentally relaxed, and has such a mature charm that it can sometimes be mistaken for the same age.”

If you can play your role to the end like this, you will inevitably exude a different atmosphere from those around you, and you will be able to maintain your popularity without being played as a “cool older person who has time to spare.” There is no need to take it too seriously, just follow the instructions as written and you should be fine.

048　The right person in the right place

There are two basic ways to get closer to someone you like.

1. Wait for the other person to come to you
2. Approaching proactively

There are very few good stories that the other person will approach you on their own. There is usually a hidden side to good stories. If you want the other person to come to you, you need to act in a calculating manner. If that is difficult, you have no choice but to approach them yourself. If you have no common ground at all, the reality is that you have no choice but to talk to them with enthusiasm and force yourself to create a common topic.

Also, there must be people around you who you can approach proactively. Take inspiration from these people and muster up the courage to do so. If you can’t put either of these methods into practice, you may have no choice but to continue with a passive relationship.

049 I can’t beat my ex-girlfriend

Even if you’ve broken up with your ex-girlfriend, you can’t beat her no matter what – that’s the reality. Your ex-girlfriend is someone who helped you gain a variety of experiences when you were still inexperienced in love. If we compare this to society, it’s the same as how great people who built the foundations of something, like Edison or the Wright brothers, are looked upon as special. Of course, there are people in modern times who improve the foundations of those great people and make them easier to use, but when asked, “Can you beat Edison or the Wright brothers?”, very few people can answer right away.

Maybe your lover is showing you kindness by practicing the points that your ex-girlfriend pointed out. However, in reality, many of the lovers you see are influenced by their ex-girlfriends in some way. It is pointless to wish to forget your ex-girlfriend or to win over her. Because, at the time when you were not dating anyone yet, the only person who knew your true self was your first ex-girlfriend. You should never forget this.

It may sound cruel, but telling your current partner “don’t do that” or “that will hurt” is just setting the stage for the next person to use you to their advantage. If you’re in a relationship where someone else has already trained you, there’s no escaping it. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you should realize that it’s nearly impossible to always try to win against your “unwinnable ex.”

[Memory correction]

The reason why ex-girlfriends are so strong is because memories tend to be romanticized over time. As adults, we say things like, “Two days was good,” and past frictions and failures in relationships turn into good memories over the years. The same goes for ex-girlfriends. If you compare the lover you’re fighting with now to your ex-girlfriend from several years ago, it’s only natural that the ex-girlfriend will remain in your mind as a romanticized memory. Therefore, trying to beat your ex-girlfriend is the same as challenging a defeat that is already certain, and will only waste your time.