Chapter 5: Bad behavior that makes him feel cold
NG behavior that makes him feel cold Isn’t your biggest fear that he will hate you? It would be really sad if he made you feel bad about him or made you feel bad about him. In order to avoid such sad feelings, in this chapter we will explain the negative behavior that can cause your boyfriend to dislike you. We will also tell you the reasons why they are not allowed and tips on how to avoid them. First, in order to understand NG behavior, let’s explain about “temperature” in love.
love temperature graph
First, let me explain how to read the graph. The graph above is an example.
◆Vertical axis…Love temperature
Show him how much he has feelings for you.
The higher you go, the higher his love temperature becomes.
◆Horizontal axis: time
The further you go to the right, the more time passes.
◆Couple Border…The line after which he thinks it’s OK to become a lover.
The more the Love temperature exceeds the Couple Border, the more I want to date.
If the love temperature is close to the couple border, it becomes “you can date, but you don’t have to.”
◆Marriage Border…The line after which he thinks it’s OK to get married.
The more the Love temperature exceeds the Marriage Border, the more I want to get married!
If the love temperature is close to the marriage border, it becomes “I want to be a lover, but I don’t feel like getting married.”
*Love temperature is a wavy line because it increases and decreases. It goes down if we have a little fight, and goes up if we make up and have a good time. It goes down when you see the negative side of someone, and goes up when you see the good in someone.
4 graph examples
Graph A: He gets hot easily and gets cold easily.
As you can see from the sudden drop in Love temperature, the temperature drops rapidly in a few months, so it’s easy to be surprised by the difference.
Graph B: He is very warm and cozy.
As you can see from the slow curve of the love temperature, it takes a long time to cross the couple border, which makes you feel anxious, but once you become a lover, the love temperature tends to be less likely to drop.
*The love temperature of Couple Border and Marriage Border differs depending on the person. If he has no sense of responsibility, he will tend to have a low Couple Border temperature, while someone who is cautious and has a strong sense of responsibility will tend to have a high Couple Border temperature.
Graph C: He gets excited and then calms down.
This graph is the most common. Love temperature will calm down after about 3 months. It’s after 6 months that he starts to fall in love at his normal pace.
Graph D: He who is in love with love
As you can see from the graph where Love temperature drops rapidly, Temperature suddenly drops when something happens that is “different from what I expected.” However, unless his expectations are met, a sudden drop in Love temperature is unlikely.
The frequency of Couple Border and Marriage Border also changes depending on age and situation.
(Example) Mike’s Couple Border
20 year old boyfriend → “Let’s go out for now” and become lovers even if the love temperature is 50 degrees Celsius
He is 30 years old and says, “Don’t be conscious of marriage because of your age,” and he won’t be able to start a romantic relationship unless his love temperature rises to 70 degrees Celsius.
(Example) John’s Marriage Border
25-year-old boyfriend → “I love her so much that I want to get married!” and decided to get married when the love temperature was 90 degrees Celsius
He was 45 years old and had been divorced and was determined to be single, but now he was faced with caring for his parents. “I want to get married as soon as possible” and decides to get married even if the love temperature is 60 degrees Celsius
Love temperature indicates the strength of romantic feelings; the higher the temperature, the stronger the feelings toward the other person.
What do you like about him? You may find various charms in him, such as his caring kindness, gentle smile, and the fact that he is fun to talk to. Every time you have more fun memories with him and learn about a new side of him, your love for him will grow even stronger.
This is the same for him. By having a comfortable relationship with him, he will understand your charm more deeply, and his love for you will increase and become more stable.
However, the opposite can also happen. If you fight more, he will feel tired and anxious towards you. As a result, the love temperature gradually decreases, and in the worst case scenario, it can drop suddenly in an instant.
For example, if something happens that seriously undermines the values he holds dear, the relationship you’ve built up until now may crumble in an instant. This is the exact moment when a 100-year-old love cools down.
In order not to lower the temperature of love
It is important to avoid not only negative actions that can quickly lower the love temperature, but also “small negatives” that accumulate without you noticing. If he continues to feel uncomfortable, his love interest will gradually drop and he will eventually start thinking about breaking up.
So, what kind of behavior should you be careful about in order to keep the temperature of your love stable? Let’s think about it in detail.
NG behavior can be avoided if you are aware of it.
rest assured. NG actions can be avoided if you are aware of them in advance. It’s like a trap. If you know where the pitfalls are, you won’t step into them. In order to build a long and happy relationship with the man you love, please read it carefully and memorize it.
5 bad behaviors to avoid
① Point out and criticize
Even if you’re right, it’s no good to deny or blame him. Also, sulking and ignoring him is the same as silent blame for him. If these behaviors add up, he will feel uncomfortable and start focusing on the negative aspects of you. As a result, the love temperature gradually decreases.
② Cry, get angry, get emotional
He will feel guilty if you get emotional and cry or get angry. However, when that feeling of guilt accumulates, you feel like you are being blamed, and unconsciously you become defensive. If this happens, they will start to view you as an enemy, and it will be difficult for them to have romantic feelings for you. Additionally, if you get angry and yell or break things, he will feel scared and your relationship will deteriorate further.
③ Negative control
It is no good to try to change him and encourage him to take action with negative words. For example, when your boyfriend is late for a date, you say in a harsh way, “People don’t trust people who aren’t on time.” Even if you think you’re telling him the right thing, you might end up making him hurt or angry.
④ Complain or complain
Are you casually complaining about work or friends? Even if it has nothing to do with him, hearing it repeatedly makes him feel like he’s being blamed. The more seriously he tries to listen, the more painful the time of complaining and dissatisfaction becomes, and if it continues, the love temperature will drop.
⑤ Teasing farewell
It’s no good to say emotionally, “We’re breaking up!” Even if you don’t really intend to break up with him, if you use that as a trump card, he will have the option of breaking up with you. Once you become aware of it, it becomes a real option and the relationship can quickly deteriorate.
Things to be careful about
You need to be careful not only when you are in a relationship but also when you have unrequited love for these negative behaviors. An accumulation of small negative things can cause a relationship to deteriorate without you even realizing it. Most people say they did it without any malice, but this can sometimes lead to sad consequences.
In order to protect your relationship with your loved one, be conscious of your everyday words and actions.
What are the NG words that make him uncomfortable?
No matter how close your partner is, when someone says something to you, you may feel negative emotions such as “getting irritated,” “wanting to be criticized,” or “wanting to distance yourself.” But don’t worry. NG words are the same as NG actions.You can avoid it if you know It is.
NG words to avoid
The following two words can make him uncomfortable without you even realizing it.
- “Why ○○?”
- “Why ○○?”
You may be surprised and think, “Huh? Is this a no-no word?” We usually use it casually. But these wordsThe nuance of unintentionally blaming him is included.
When he hears these words, he may feel like, “Maybe I’m being complained about,” or “I’m being accused of being a bad guy.”
Then he unconsciouslylet’s justify ourselves Let’s say. This creates a feeling of looking for the bad aspects of yourself and arguing against them by saying, “Aren’t you also ____?”
The original purpose may be “I just want to know” or “I want to clarify the cause for the future”.Intention to improve relationships Even if that were the case, using the words “why” and “why” would make it difficult to convey it.
Communication to avoid NG words
In particular, you should avoid using “why” and “why” when talking about him or anything negative. for example,
- “Why are you so quiet on the date?”
- “Why don’t you give me a massage?”
- “Why do you say that?”
When you say things like these, you end up giving the impression that you’re blaming him, which can damage your relationship.
NG word exception There are some situations where it is okay to use “why” and “how”. for example,
- When used as a comedic tsukkomi, such as “Why, why? (lol)”
- If the topic is unrelated to him, such as “Why is this coffee so delicious?”
In this situation, it won’t be a problem because you won’t have a negative impression of him.
What if I use a NG word?
NG words areDeadly if used even once That’s not to say. Of course, you should avoid saying anything that would deeply damage his personality or self-esteem, but if it’s just a light argument,If you apologize, you can make up for it. Most of the time.
If you happen to use something, you should be fine as long as you try to improve it by thinking, “I’ll be more careful in the future” and “I’ll avoid using it again.”
Try to improve your communication methods to improve your relationship with him.
“I want to talk” is a no-no word that will push him away.
In fact, especially in loveNG words to avoid There is. it is “I want to talk” is.
What is meant by “discussion” here?A serious story about the relationship between two people About. Many women want to have a thorough discussion with their boyfriend, but this can actually cause the relationship to deteriorate.
Why is “discussion” not allowed?
When I told him I wanted to talk, he said,I will prepare myself。
- “Aren’t you going to be accused of something?”
- “It looks like it will be a time for me to vent my frustrations.”
- “You might get rejected.”
in his headNegative thoughts spread instantly, as a resultMakes me want to run away It is.
Also, many peopleI’m not good at verbalizing my feelings is. No matter how many questions you ask, he won’t always give you the answer you’re looking for. When I tried to force him to talk, he said, “I don’t know how to answer.”I feel pain Also.
Examples of how asking for discussion can worsen relationships
You should be careful if you have any of the following situations:
NG例： ✔ I’ve spent hours asking him about his feelings. ✔ I’ve asked him to talk even though he’s tired. ✔ I’ve continued the conversation until he’s satisfied even though he wants to hang up.
Such discussions arejust chase him This can cause the love temperature to drop.
Is “face to face” also a NG word?
Some people use the word “face” instead of “discussion,” but this also applies to him.It may feel heavy。
For example, if youI don’t like insects Suppose it is. What would you do if he said to you, “Let’s show you the bug and overcome it?”
Of course youIt makes you want to run away.。
“Discussion” and “face-to-face” are the same,If he’s not keen, you shouldn’t force him. That’s what it means.
“Then how should I tell you?”
You may be thinking, “Even if he says no to discussing it, how should I ask him?”
rest assured.
What’s important isExpress your feelings in a natural way, rather than inviting a “discussion” is. I’m going to tell you how to express your feelings and ask for him without lowering his love interest.
How to ask him nicely
“I want him to do ○○, but I can’t convey it the way I want…” There are many women who have this problem.
✔ “I want him to fix this.” ✔ “I’ve asked him before, but he’s been vague.” ✔ “I’ve asked him several times, but he says it’s too much.”
In order to improve this situation,How to properly convey your request Let’s consider.
6 points to consider when asking him for a favor
①Love temperature
The higher his Love temperature, the easier it will be for him to grant your wishes. On the other hand, when your love temperature is low, no matter how hard you try to express your feelings, it will have little effect, and even the smallest request will be easily rejected. First of all, let’s be conscious of increasing his love temperature.
②Effort (time/money)
When you ask him for something,Time and amount required Let’s also be considerate. For example, “I want to have a 30-minute phone call” or “I want to watch a movie together.”
Movies include time for transportation and meals.about 5 hours It may take some time. On the other hand, if you call30 points level The time burden will be significantly different.
Also, the financial burden is important. If you tell him that you want to go on a trip, he willNot only the cost, but also whether you can enjoy it or not. You will also think about it. If it’s a request that he feels is valuable, he’ll be more likely to grant it.
③Timing
he isAre you mentally and physically capable? Let’s think about this and make a request.
Timings to avoid
✖ When you lack sleep
✖ When you are tired
✖ When you’re hungry
✖ When you have trouble at work
✖ When you are having interpersonal or financial troubles
If the timing of your request is not appropriate, there is a high chance that your request will be refused.It is important to assess his situation is.
④Frequency
If you ask too many requests, heI feel like a burden It may happen. For example, if you previously asked someone to send you a message every day, if it becomes a habit,I tend to forget what I was asked to do It will be.
Furthermore, if you ask him for new requests, he may feel like you’re asking for more and more requests, which may cause his love interest to drop. Adjust the frequency of requests,Leave some time before making a big request That’s the point.
⑤His nature
Think about how to ask him a favor that fits his personality.
✔ He is the type of person who likes to make others happy → It is relatively easy for him to have his requests listened to.
✔ He is the type of person who wants to be taken care of → He tends to feel burdened, so think about how to convey it to him.
You can convey your request more effectively by tailoring your request to his personality.
⑥Convey it simply When conveying your requestRemember to speak concisely within 1 minute。
✔ “I’d like to ask you something. Is it okay if you just take one minute?” ✔ It is also recommended to convey it briefly using Masseage.
If the conversation becomes long, he may feel frustrated and wonder, “What do you want to say?” It is important to clearly convey the main points is.
Key points on how to communicate to him
1. Think calmly first.
When you want to tell him something,Don’t just say what you feel on the spot, take it home with youis important. at least4 hours, if possible2 daysThink carefully about whether you should really say it. especially,Complaints and demandsIf so, you need to be very careful.
“Telling him this might lower his romantic interest. Is it still worth it?” Ask yourself this and remain calm.
After taking some time to think about it, if you decide that it is necessary to convey the message, thenChoose your words wisely to minimize the drop in his love interest.Be aware of that.
2. Focus on “communicating” rather than “telling”
When thinking about how to communicate, the most important thing is“To be conveyed”is. He didn’t just say the words;understand your intentions correctlyLet’s aim for that.
Even if you think you’ve told him, if he doesn’t take it well, then it’s okay.Meaningless words that just sacrificed love temperatureIt becomes.
3. Think about the reasons why things are not being communicated.
Let’s consider when a situation where “not being communicated” occurs.
- he isforgetful is a personality
- he iswhen you are concentrating on something else Because I spoke to someone, I was ignored.
- you unconsciouslyAttitude you want to see has become
- Between you and him, it’s normal for you to do things when you’re dating.There is a gap in understanding
Ability to sense other people’s feelingsdiffers from person to person, and even if the same words are used, each person’s interpretation may differ.
Specific example
Example: If you find out later that your boyfriend went out drinking with a female co-worker. You may feel dissatisfied, thinking, “Maybe you didn’t tell me because there was something wrong with me? If you had told me in advance, you wouldn’t have gotten angry. Are you disrespecting me?”
So, I would like to tell him two things:
- “If you’re going to drink with a woman, please let me know in advance.”
- “If you let me know in advance, I can feel at ease.”
However, if youemotionallyWhat would happen if you asked, “Why didn’t you tell me in advance?” He had a strong impression that “she was blaming me,”self-defense posturemay enter.
For example, he might react like this.
- “I just couldn’t contact you because I was suddenly invited.”
- “It can’t be helped because it’s work-related.”
- “Are you doubting me?”
In this way heExpressions that tend to be defensiveAvoiding this will help ensure smooth communication.
4. Be creative in how you communicate
That’s why,Speak in a way that will make him understandis important. Instead of “just telling it”A form that he can understand and agree with.Let’s be conscious of what we convey.
Practical notes on how to communicate
So how exactly should we choose words? Here,Choosing words that “communicate” forHow to write practice notes I will tell you.
How to write notes
① prepare notes A4 size paper is ideal, but smartphones and tablets are also OK.
② Use facing pages On the left page“What I want to say to him” I will write
③ Fill in the arrow From left page to right page「↓」 Draw an arrow.
④ Write “specific ways to communicate” on the right page On the left page“What I want to say to him” For,About 10 patterns if possible Write out the lines.
⑤ imagine how he feels For each line I wrote out“How would he feel if he said this line?” I think about it. “How would he feel if you said this?” “Do these words make him want to promise he won’t do it again?”Become him I imagine.
⑥ Choose the best line From what I wrote down,“I’ll tell him this!” Choose something that makes you feel confident.
consider his nature
For example, suppose he has the following values:
- I want her to understand my job.
- I don’t like being blamed
- I’m happy to be loved and relied on
In this case, minimize the risk of making him feel like he doesn’t understand the job or that he’s being blamed.Instead of blaming him, tell him how you’re cute and selfish because you’re worried. The key is to do so.
Comparison of specific expressions
NG way to tell
💬 “Don’t you think I’ll be anxious? Don’t you want to reassure me?” 🔻 → Him: You might feel like you’re being blamed.
💬 “Even if you suddenly decide to drink, you can hit Masseage in about a minute, right? Don’t you remember me?” 🔻 → Him: “I’m angry… I’m scared…” I think. Furthermore, there is a risk that people will think that you don’t understand the work.
💬 “Please promise to contact me in advance.” 🔻 → Him: “Okay, but I can’t promise that I’ll be able to take that kind of time due to work. If I can’t do it again, I’m afraid I’ll be criticized even more…” You might be worried.
How to communicate
💬 “If possible, please let me know in advance. It doesn’t have to be all the time, just when you’re alone with a woman, please.” 🔻 → Him: “Hmm, well, in that case…” he might accept it.
💬 “I know there’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m starting to worry…I’m sorry for being selfish.” 🔻 → Him: I think he’ll think, “I’m the one who’s sorry.”
💬 “It’s great that you work hard at work, and I want to support you. That’s why I would like you to cooperate so that I can say, “Have fun!” with peace of mind.” 🔻 → Him: I think he’ll think, “I understand,” but he might not be happy about it.
It’s worth the effort to convey it to him.
There is no correct way to communicate that is common to all men. That’s why we thoroughlyAnalyze his values and characteristics It is important to simulate in detail, thinking, “This is how he would feel if you said this to him.”
Writing things down in a notebook can be time-consuming and tedious, but it’s worth it. By building a relationship that is comfortable for him, you can maintain the romantic temperature.
It’s sad that careless words can make him feel cold. your kind thoughts too Feeling of wanting to get along too,make sure to tell him By doing so, you can foster a more loving relationship.
It may be difficult at first, butMake it a habit to analyze him Then, eventuallyYou can do it in your head without having to write it down in your notebook.
This practical note on how to communicate is a method that I myself have tried. When you ask the guy you love a favor you can’t give up on, you can predict his reaction in detail for each line.I chose the wording that was most acceptable to him.
Even if you become a lover or a couple, the high love temperature will not last forever without any effort or effort. Rather than regret it after you lose him, master the countermeasures in advance and create a relationship that will continue to be loved by him. Be careful not to communicate in a negative way,Tips to keep his love hot I would like to do that.
How to get rid of your anger in an instant
There are times when you get irritated with him. However, if you let it get emotional,love temperaturewill end up going down. Firstget out of an irritated stateis important.
Many women feel that even if they understand, it is difficult. I understand how you feel. But when you get frustrated, you also get tired. If you can quickly calm down, you will feel better mentally. You can become
This time,“How to get rid of your irritation with him in an instant” I will tell you.
“I’m going to see a little bit of hell” tactic
It’s easy to do. When you’re irritated with him, just imagine the worst for a few minutes.is。 very muchrealistic and vivid The key is to imagine. however,just for a few minutesis.
Try imagining it in real life. for example…
- he died in an accident
- It turns out that he is ill with a short time to live.
- He tells me that he wants to break up with me because he has found another woman he loves.
Your heart may race, your hands and feet may feel cold, you may feel short of breath or dizzy, and you may start crying. There may be times when your heart screams out in pain, “It’s too sad! Please stop!”
butAfter a few minutes, immediately stop imagining and come back to reality. Be careful not to do this for a long time as it can make you really sick.
By this method,“The hell I never want to happen”By imagining it in real life, the frustration you had been feeling will be blown away. “I’m glad he’s okay…” “I’m just glad he’s here…” “This irritation isn’t that big of a deal,” and you’ll start to feel calmer.
We have imagination. “The importance of realizing after losing something”Experience it in your mind in advance can. The irritation disappears,Thank you that he is well and that he loves you. It should overflow.
this “I’m going to see a little bit of hell” tactic If you master it, you won’t get frustrated,love and gratitude You can contact him at However, this methodpowerful drug that’s why,It only takes a few minutes to imagine Please!
Don’t use it as a love barometer!
Lover relationship isAfter the initial lovey-dovey period, his expressions of affection begin to calm down. There are many things. He’s contacting me less and asking me out on dates less. In response to these changes, he himselfunconsciousness Most of the time.
However, from your point of view, you may feel anxious, thinking, “He’s changed…” or “Maybe he’s grown cold.”
At such times,I see everything he does as a “love barometer.” is not allowed!
for example…
- “If masseage has decreased, does that mean it has cooled down?”
- “I used to say I love you often, but lately I only say it once in a while. I’ve grown cold!”
- “You used to ask me a lot of questions, but now you don’t…do you mean you’re not interested anymore?”
Like this,Stop using his every move as a measure of your love! Both you and him will be physically and mentally exhausted.
Don’t ask questions out of anxiety!
Usually when I think, “I’m dying to ask a question!”When you are anxious Isn’t it?
However, the question from anxiety isOF! I want you to remember that. because,Most of the questions that come from anxiety will lower his love interest. It’s from.
for example…
- “Do you like me?”
- “Who were you with yesterday?”
- “Why have there been fewer calls?”
these are Questions to relieve anxiety is. In other words, The feeling of “I want to elicit reassuring words from him!” is the underlying thing.
But unfortunatelyThere is almost no chance that he will respond to your expectations. When I asked a question out of anxiety, I didn’t get the words I expected,Even more anxiety There are many things.
Moreover, he too “I don’t feel comfortable…” I feel that way, and the love temperature drops. That’s why, I completely avoid questions due to anxiety!